10-year dreams. 5-minute actions.

 where do i want to be in 10 years?

by then i will be 53.

i hope to work less in the day

leave the house by 9, and maybe come back at 3 pm.

is such a thing possible?

what can i do in the next five minutes to contribute to the outcome?

sell more stuff :D

invest more stuff?

oh my, wala akong goals :D

what do i want to create this new year?

more time to sleep

maybe make new small weekly adventures.

what do i want to let go of?

clutter. 

useless questions

habit that didnt stick:

nutrition change

reason it failed, oh man, i love to eat!

being phony, but i am phony every day ! :D

First World

 Since the pandemic has been officially declared as "over", or the new normal becoming normal, I have been invited to attend a conference in SG.  Excited to get back into the travelling groove and staying in the scientific traveling circle, I said yes.  I needed to interrupt the seeing of patient cycle.  I recall in my pre-pandemic life, traveling was a big part of it.  I have vague memories of being excited and exhausted and exhilirated at the thought of escaping...the patients!  Even for just a while.

As the travel date was drawing to a close, I had toxic patients.  Excited to leave, I found pure anxiety in endorsing the cases to friends.  However, I thought that this cannot be helped.  I needed to take breaks at times.  And it would be impossible to stay in Manila forever.  I had scary thoughts of what if i get monkey pox? covid?  What if my perfect exclusive school English no longer worked in the airport?  Where did my old courage for travel and nochalance go?  

Luckily, a few days prior to leaving, I got in touch with Veeeeds, a friend who resides in SG.  Incidentally, I told her that i would be leaving on August 10.  She excitedly asked if it would be possible for me to be in SG on August 9, since it is National Day and she had no plans of going home to Manila this time.

For the first time, I asked a favor from the Pharma, asking if they could rebook my flight date to two days earlier.  Travel agency number was given to me, and I messaged.  I was very pleasantly suprised to find that there would be no additional cost!  It was set!  Veeeeeds, the efficient host that she was, planned an IT for my coming, and I was excited.

On the day of the flight, I was so nervous regarding the EVERYTHING!  But i found, same as the previous local travels that I had, that everything had become more efficient after the pandemic.  Having the documents ready, there was not one question in the PAL area, the philippine immigration, SG immigration.

I had the grandest time, getting my salmon sandwich with coffee at cafe france and spending alone time.  The benefit of travelling alone was that I didn't have to do small talk, which I found is becoming more of an effort for me post pandemic.  I had conversations with my family online.  Paid bills online.  Got things done while waiting.

And for that three hour flight going to SG, i felt TOTALLY FREE.  there was no signal, all the patients were covered for and I could say I AM NOT IN MANILA!  All of a sudden, I remembered why I travelled a lot.

Upon arrival at SG, i bumped into a friend consultant and we had a great conversation about how the pandemic changed us, how we felt great to be alive, and how we were really one of the lucky ones.  Of course, the conversation was just done along the luggage carousel and not over breakfast.  How first world.  I had forgotten.

And what can I say.  When i arrived at Veeds flat after the long ride where I appreciated nature, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.  I was pampered!  We talked non stop.  She had an online meeting, and I listened in getting some work done.  (Okay fine, I am a workaholic!). We then went to the mall, ate chinese food with the most delicious garlic sauce, and talked a million words a minute.  Then we went home, walked around a bit more.

She had a call that night, and i listened in.

Then we went and bought food for dinner and ate food some more.  Salmon, fruit, seaweed!  Dutch waffle cookies! Stared in amazement at the chicken roasting while i ordered my very refreshing strawberry and banana shake!

I went to sleep a very happy person that night!

The premise for this visit was no tourist sites.  I wanted to see Veeeeds life and live it!

The next day, we left at 630 am, and took a walk.  And walked some more.  I saw the amazing sites, talked some more and walked around 25000 steps that day with no exhaustion!  Met Jen, Frans,Thale, Ivan, and their kids Ellie, Hanna and Liam.  And talked some more.  Had duck!

Then had tea.

Then walked some more.  the kids played soccer and i was amazed that the thale and ivan i was so scared of during residency were running and playing ball with their kids!  I really felt great and lucky and thankful!

And went to a spa where we ate buffet, jacuzzied, sauna-ed, massaged, and ate buffet some more!  It was so luxurious!  more chika!

Then went home... And talked some more.

It was grand.

And the conference has not even started yet!

It was a good thing that i was such in a great brain space.

Dahil may natanggap ako ng letter from BIR!

and dahil may mga news.

I love old friends.  No matter where we are, its as if we are transported back to the golden ages of our youth when we were nothings, even if we are currently somethings. :D

Thank you Veeds!  For pampering me, and for being a great friend and sister from another mother ! :D

Love love love!

We still have another adventure for tonight, so excited!

lighter

 lighter is my word for the year.

pertaining to my weight. i hope to become lighter

pertaining to my worries.  i hope to have less of them.

pertaining to my schedule.  i hope to have less activities i hate and more that are meaningful.

refocusing.  time to begin again.

Freeze Frame

 Today was such as incredible day.  The last 24 hours felt like I was living the life of Flash the super hero whose super power is to do things really fast.  Though quite uninteresting, I find myself wishing I had the same super power.  Not for the power or glory or honor.  (Are these lyrics to a song?).   But because there are so many, many tasks to be done!

I felt like i was awake since 6 am: yoga, strength training, clinic, answering emails, answering messages, attending to concerns of patients, concerns of the family business, doing rounds, teaching students, managing anger, sucking it up, while trying to silence the voices in my head.  I feel as though every time i look up from a task, an hour has passed by and I am running late.  Always late.

Is this the curse, the speeding hands on the clock face as we grow old?

At times like these, when I find myself coming home late despite starting things early, i know it is the time for the pruning to begin.  This is reexamination of the things that I am saying yes to, and letting go of the things that I REALLY don't want to do, but do anyway, either to please others, or because this is my younger self's version of success.  

More recently, though, I catch myself viewing my life in reverse fashion.  Not through the eyes of a 22 year old starting med school.  Or even a 27 year old starting residency.  

I now view myself, thinking through the eyes of myself on my death bed.  Would I be really excited remembering that I spent my time meeting with the father of hemoperfusion?  Would i really appreciate molding the minds of these seemingly hardened trainees whose ears seem to have thick skins and hard hearts due to the exhaustion of work?

The surprising answer is no.

I don't know when the change started, or when i began to favor the "easy life".  I guess the pandemic had a strong way of making me re examine what is truly important, or what I would probably want to remember when lying on my death bed. People I love.  Trips I took.  People I laughed with.  Patients and friends that I helped.  The long walks amidst the trees in the UP academic oval.  The wind against my face.  Things that make me happy.  Things that I don't need to worry about.

This question was more easily answered by a special phone call I made today.

While hurriedly checking my messages this morning, a viber notification came up.  My Mentor, the One that influenced me to become a nephrologist, The Doctor and Attending of my mother, was celebrating her birthday today.  Always remembering her influence in my life, I sent her a text message greeting her a happy birthday and thanking her for EVERYTHING through the years.

Sunsangnim, as I call her in in my K Drama Hospital Playlist Fantasy World, replied with a very cordial thank you, our first text message exchange in months.  I have not bumped into her a lot in the hospital.  I guess this is because she is in her 70s, and possibly winding down her medical career.  Out of inspiration, I replied to her: telling her how I was, how my application the University which she supported was faring, how I got a new invitation to another institution nearer my place, if i could get her recommendation letter, the fellows I was training and all that.

I was half expecting a PTN (para tapos na): Congratulations, just create a recommendation letter, print it with my name on it, and leave the letter with the other documents that needed her signature, yada yada yada.

Her reply greeted me with surprise: Let's talk about it when you're free.

In the middle of my rounds and writing in the chart, I took a pause and reread the message.

I replied: Yes Sunsangnim, will meet you at your convenient time.

The convenient time was now.  She said that I could call her.  In the middle of the nurse's station, charts and all, reminiscent of the 90s when we would call the sender during the pager era, I called her at home through the landline.

Deliciously unexpected, it was like being flashed back in time to when landlines were in, phone calls were long and free.  It was like half expected to be tortured during morning endorsements because she was a terror back then, but twilightzonely hearing a very. motherly voice that asked how I was.  And she really LISTENED.  Was it age?  Was it the slowness of being retired?  Or was she being how she really was? 

Nag Telebabad Kami.

We exchanged so many stories.  After digesting everything I said at length, she took a breath and very objectively gave her two cents based on her experience.  She then concluded with her own experience of an invite, feeling like a stranger, deciding to go where she was comfortable, choosing what she wanted, giving up what she didn't, prioritizing, and deciding who she was.

Which is exactly where I am now.

At the end of the call, I felt relieved, centered, and reminded of my true north.  Not the accolades, not the achievements.  But the quality of life, the time to do what i wished, to be just a fish in a small pond.  Simpleng Nephrologist, concentrating on other things, creating things, but moving on.  And not staying at one place for too long.  Not mixing with the toxicity that I didn't like.  Above all, not being forced to do the things I didn't want to do.  Being a quiet duck.

Maybe I thought I wanted the long patient lines, the awards, when I was in my 20s.

But now, imagining that I am in my 60s, I think what i want to have done in my 40s is to travel a bit.  Walk around under the trees.  Swim in the ocean with friends.  Laugh with friends.  Laugh AT people with friends.  Be free from the rigidity we were so trapped in during training and just do what makes us happy.

I don't want to be Flash, rushing to do things.  I want to be TAMAD.  Because I can afford to be.  I want to do medicine because I want to, not because I have to.

What a day.  I would just like to freeze frame it so that I won't forget what I thought of today.

5 Minutes a Day

 (Alexa, set timer for 5 minutes!)

Two weeks back, i could feel myself beginning to sink into the all too familiar pit of doom and darkness.  Life patterns have generally taught me that sinking into sadness is not necessarily i recognize in my brain, but my actions.  I begin to sleep more, get headaches, feel that dark cloud looming over my head, or get this feeling of DREAD for everything and nothing.  Contrary to the previous falls into this pit of doom, I could find no impetus that pushed me to it.  Probably, it is just the monotony of life.  Or the pandemic exhaustion.  I could not tell what it is.  As such, it was all the more too difficult to acutely solve one thing.

When I fall into this pattern of behavior, I know too well that the antidote is ACTION, more than introspection.  This is especially because I am really an introspective person, but too much introspection can be a shovel that pushes me further into the pit of doom.  I then launch into actions that I know would help me feel better with repetition: not take on more tasks, sleep early, call friends, meet friends, exercise, light scented candles.  Even if I don't want to.

One of the go to's I have is my special bestie "girl friend SAFM".  He has been really being very supportive, meeting me once a week for two weeks in a row now, while we commiserate about the agonies of life, accept the ebbing and flowing of these feelings, recall the times when i did say "I am in a good place!", remind ourselves that the good place will somehow find its way back into our daily lives, and that when we do, we still have the poor sense of falling back to the pit.  Cycle repeats.

But in a comforting way, SAFM mutters, "at least walang nag kakasakit."  And he is right.  

In the meantime, until I reach this proverbial good place again, this exchange between us has been happening over and over when we gobble up our paella with chorizo, calamares rebosado, croquetas and bread dolloped with olive oil and tomato salsa topped with manchego cheese, and drink our sangria and apple cider, while opening his box of a newly purchased red and yellow batman 7 inch action figure.

"Hindi ka ba nalulungkot?"

"Nalulungkot!"

"So anong ginagawa mo pag nalulungkot ka?"

"Write!"

So here I am, as per SAFM's recommendation, writing.

I now add into my "get out of my depression pit action list" the act of writing five minutes a day.

(Alexa Alarms: 5 minutes done!)

Here we go. 

Silver Lining in Every Dark Cloud

These days, I don't know what it is exactly.

I have been a bit depressed.  I know it because of the time i spend in bed, or the feeling that i cant get out of bed, or the feeling that i am drowning and cannot breathe.  it was particularly true yesterday when i didn't do any thing that i liked and got up at 12 noon.  on a work day.

i had to force myself to go to work because my phone was ringing with calls and texts that i had to see patients.   i missed a conference i said that i would attend and i skipped two clinics.

i just wrote this because i didn't what to forget this mental picture.

in the peak of my sadness, i paid a visit to an old patient of mine who was admitted in the charity service.  at times, i just paid her a visit to uplift her spirits.  i passed by to say that i was going to be on leave for two weeks, due to a family trip.

She smiled.  

Beside her, was another lola patient, with difficulty of breathing hooked to oxygen support and seated on tripod position.  in the middle of difficulty breaths, she had a big smile and looked at me with bright eyes, with a cheery "Have a happy trip doktora!"

i felt ashamed of myself, in some way.  i felt touched.  i felt tears come to my eyes.

i put on my best smile, looked at her and said, "Mommy, sama ka sa akin!"  Maybe i would need her good cheer, her optimism and that light in her eyes on this trip.

i know that each struggle is real, as well as mine was, but she made me remember that life is tough all over.  And it was tough for her, but she smiled.  And smiling was her choice.  As it can be mine.

that picture of that mommy is burnt through my brain in and heart.  but i write it today because i don't want to forget.

it is during these days that i am thankful that i am a doctor.  because of what the patients give to me.  it is more than what i give to them.

Mari Kondo-ing my life in 2019

we always lose someone to depression and mental illness. in fear of this, i found myself messaging my close friends that a cup of coffee and a laughter bout may be just what we need when the though of losing to depression hits us.

while talking about the topic to a dear friend, i had these reflections which were an outpouring of my thoughts and feelings. the words were to good not to immortalize so here goes:

I understand the scatterbrainness, well, maybe to a certain extent. I think I can never really imagine being a parent since i am not a parent to many cute and needy babies! however, each person has their own version of this neediness: pets, work, aging parents, dying patients, differently abled family members. There is indeed a segment of the day which is like quick sand or when it's so difficult to breathe because of sooooo many thiiiiiings!

When confused, I try to read a bit of the bible and call friends and rant. (Every day kami nag tatawagan ng friends to rant). Rant ka lang minsan when you need.

operation dagdag bawas lang PRN.

Ang hirap dahil ang layo ng mga tao, but we must take advantage of what technology has to offer. Kanina nga, I called up another friend, with our matching ranting session and promise that I would visit her if i would happen to be in her area. (with matching though bubble in my head, kailan kaya yun? ). We really must make time.

Its really easy to feel negligent because we are doing so many things and are so busy. Bawas tayo ng bawas ng ginagawa, but inertia really puts a lot of things in our plate, a lot of things that we really don’t want to do. But at least, we have our friends who push us in the mindfulness direction, those friends who ask the difficult question:
bakit mo ba ginagawa yan? ...those who help us to fight to take away which is useless. It’s a daily effort, I now find.

Don’t worry, kahit ako, iniisip ko, itong ______ (insert hated and dreaded task in this blank) na lang na ito tapos tapos na. Hahahahahahah. Pero hindi natatapos. however, there is that hope that we move on to more things...maybe more complicated things...but at least there is a promise of more things that we will grow into and give us joy.

A wise friend also told me....the Beauty of clutter is that they are things and things are finite. Mauubos din sila. (sana, totoo din ito for limville!)

A wise friend always tells me: The best is yet to come.

i share these thoughts with special people who help me each time kahit malayo kayo, and are so patient amidst all the many many things we have to do: Marivic Lim Pingol Monalisa Lim-Dungca Mitzi Mangaser RegalaArlene Afaga Cha-cha Geronimo Van Derick Mangulabnan Mae Quintal Quetua Dianne Aguila JuanPaolo Dela Cruz Lagunzad Aromaz AllyrosTherese Eileen LN Will Liangco Diana Tamondong-Lachica Will LiangcoEliza Mia Dejoras

go go go!

here is to a more intentional 2019. may we Mari Kondo our life: keep only the things that spark joy!

Mine

Coming from a restful yet productive weekend, I proceed to incidentally stay at the condo while waiting for a friend as our lunch venue would be in the same place.

I enter the condo.  The furniture was lined with dust, quiet and unmanned.

I open the main switchboard, open the fans, the windows, my music and sit on the chair on my dining room and type my thoughts away.

So quiet.  So alone.  So uncluttered.  So mine.

I could not be more content.

What I would give to live in this place as I would wish.  However, as life would have it, priorities ad in a vacuum.  They are decided considering other people, other feelings, other goals, outside of what is mine.

And that is still the way it should be.  As I realised that upon buying this place and making it mine, It did not make me happy as I imagined.

People did.  Not things.  Sharing things.  Not keeping them to myself.

However, once in a while, I give in to my introvertedness, the wistfulness while thinking, "when can I live in a place as minimal as this, as I would want to?"

Though not an abode, this place is a retreat.  To check in with my thoughts.  To be in the quiet and to check in with me.

For now, in this moment, I could not be more content. :)

You Think You Have It All

Sometimes, the most irritating thing about having the both the money and the time is that you don't have anyone to spend it with.

Manifested Prayers

I always find it surprising how we can pray and pray and pray, and sometimes forget what we prayed for.  That is until what we pray for comes along.

This is especially true this year.  So many years have passed when i have always bought a new littman classic stethoscope after being so careless and lost the others.  When i want to buy these, I usually spend extra time in the store, looking at the cardiac steth and testing it out on my chest, marveling at how much more loud and clear the sounds are.  I would then check the price, and more often than not, it would be higher than 10,000 pesos.

Now the funny thing about working for your own money is that you think that there is a certain level when you will be more comfortable buying something, even if it is expensive, eventually.  But no, that time never comes.  One will just give a wistful stare,  a sigh, a shrug of both shoulders and move about in my own way.

I guess this came for me because this year, i have made the conscious effort to shy away from materialism.  When i really want something, I always ask if it is worth the cost.  Meaning that it will not be clutter, or if there is an inexpensive alternative that will fill its role.  Usually, I lose when the self debate involves trips with friends, because with those i realize, i buy the time with friends, more than the trip.

My better self usually wins the debate regarding material things.

However, God does not leave us to be alone.

After years and years and years of staring and stroking many cardiac steths that came my way, I received one this July from a cousin of mine, whose dad my sister and i watched out for.  Yes, my sister and I each got one!  And i feel like i was so lucky i didn't buy one anymore, because i got one for free!

Today was also a similar day.  Back in February, I lost my wallet to bukas kotse gang, and just grabbed a paper bag as an alternative wallet.  A few days after, while clutter cleaning at home, i found an old organizer aka wallet in my drawer.  (yes, go for clutter cleaning!) . Its been falling apart the last few months, but lo and behold when i went to clinic today, this greeted me!

And just like that, i have a new wallet.

The story gets more amazing when i tithed last week.  I gave (what i thought) was an extraordinary amount, 10% of my income for a good month.  Imagine my surprise when that day, i already got the corresponding amount through two cheques that i received that day!

God is really sovereign.  Somehow, trusting Him in one aspect of life makes all the rest easier.

So as of this writing, I am challenged, but inspired to trust, in that one aspect of life i am praying for the most.  I still hear the His quiet voice staying, "Steady ka lang diyan, trust."

So I try to.

Trust and Clutter Clearing for Manifested Prayers.  Always very therapeutic. :)


------------

epilogue

The day after this entry, I messaged two close friends of mine I have not seen in a long time.

5: 49 pm
Me: Nakakatawa girls, sobrang benign ko ngayon, pero i am really thankful, kasi ang dami kong nagagawa for myself.  pero hindi ako sanay sa time.  Miss ko na kayo!  naisip ko nga, ano ba ang gagawin natin sa lahat ng oras at pera na meron tayo when we cant spend it with anyone?  ahahhahaha, hating the fact na malayo kayo, but loving the fact that you guys are my friends, messaging you both with love!

5:58 pm
Friend: I set ulit ang out of town.

6:45 pm
Friend:  Conference tomorrow at hotel in makati?  Free.  (messaged paraphrased!). Need two names.  PM me asap.

And just like that, we had a spontaneous night out with each other and more friends!

Imagine that!  Here is to more answered prayers and being thankful for them!

trust

Proverbs 3:5-10

5Trust in the Lordwith all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

6in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.3:6 Or will direct your paths

7Do not be wise in your own eyes;

fear the Lordand shun evil.

8This will bring health to your body

and nourishment to your bones.

9Honor the Lordwith your wealth,

with the firstfruits of all your crops;

10then your barns will be filled to overflowing,

and your vats will brim over with new wine.

The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.®

Used by Permission of Biblica, Inc.® All rights reserved worldwide.

pardon this long sharing.

the introduction really spoke to me. this is the year, 2018, when I believe, I have come closest to putting my trust in god the most. I didn't realise that it was a long process in coming, but it did.

I love this verse, and I always remember Gary v's song, and sing this in my mind when things become difficult. though love is the means by which all good things flow, trust is necessary to this love. trust is like sitting on the passenger seat, not holding the steering wheel and letting god move things. and when this trust is present, things just flow and walking becomes easy. there is no fight. the challenge is always to stay in this state of trust and not let what we want take control. 

I believe that when i trust, god knows what we want and he provides the outcome in the best possible, surprising but wonderful way.

however, I always still pray this everyday: Lord, if it is not Your will, let it slip through my grasp and give me the peace not to worry about it.

and this: you don't need t know where you are going if god is leading.

Happiness Bubble

Do you sometimes get the feeling of being in a good place that it scares you?

Do you get the feeling that things could finally be going right, and that you are the luckiest girl and the world?  That everything, in all aspects of your life, are falling into place and moving in the right direction, without you working so hard to do it?

Do you feel that you have worked so long and hard to become that ideal person, that you are faking so hard to make it, and then one morning, you suddenly wake up and you ARE that ideal person without the effort.  And you forgot what happened in between?

Do you feel like you spent such a long time waiting for that ideal moment, and suddenly when it seems to be here, all the time wasn't all that long, all the time waiting was worth it, because finally, it is here, and it is even better than you imagined it would be?

Do you ever find yourself so lost in your own thoughts with a goofy smile on your face, laughing to yourself, thinking yourself crazy, but being unable to stop that warm, fuzzy, feeling inside anyway?

Do you every get that warm feeling in your gut that you couldn't turn off, even if you tried?

Did you every have the time when you truly said and felt that I AM SO HAPPY, and that you can't remember the last time you even thought that to yourself?

I am so happy.  I am so happy in my bubble, that I am scared in can burst into a zillion pieces, knowing that it possibly will... so I am just enjoying the moment.

Precious Nephro Moments

There are times in one's life when the moments are so precious that I just wish I could crystallise them, freeze-frame them into every DNA of my being and keep them forever.

Well, I can't so I guess the next best thing will be to write about them.

Tonight, we just concluded the 2018 Philippine Society of Nephrology Convention.  What used to be an event that filled me with such dread and sucked all the energy out of me evolved throughout the last eight years.

This year, 2018,  I saw it differently.  It was no longer a task to be done, an event to be attended, or groups of mentors to greet and to give tribute to so that they would know of your involvement or presence.  It was no longer a to list of all the singing, dancing performing because it was expected of you and you had to deliver or else shame would befall your chapter or your training institution.

I suppose how I view the convention now also reflected the change I saw in me.

 I now see the convention as a means to meet and greet new friends, reunite with the old, and tell stories in a setting where there is optimum comfort, no judgement (okay fine, meron, but we don't judge the judgement anyway!).  It is a time to genuinely get in touch with and connect with the people who have been like little lego blocks that contributed to the person that I am today.

I now see the convention as an outlet of the creativity and talent that would otherwise remain dormant  when one is caught up in treating the patients.  Sometimes, in the everyday world of medicine, the doctor tends to forget that he or she is also a person with creative juices flowing within.  This creativity is squelched, or becomes dormant because of the need to be more logical and scientific in treating the patients.  Because of the brief pause from clinical practice and the milieu of frustrated creativity or the pressure from friends, the various outlets like singing, dancing, photography, drawing, story telling comes out.  Not because of necessity.  But because of love.  One is not limited to becoming a doctor.  Being a doctor is just a part of the living, breathing persons we are.  We are not limited to the science.  We are science and art in one.

I now see the convention as time standing still to be spent with family members.  Families at buffet breakfasts.  Families with little kids swimming in the hotel pool.  Families watching fellowship nights, watching their mothers model, cheering their fathers on for presidencies that were done, sons watching their mothers handle the logistics.

I now see the convention as an avenue for learning.  This is true during the sessions, when one listens to the speakers, but also holds true for the various catch-ups, exchange of stories and experiences about patients, management and everything in between.

I now see the convention as a time to say thank you to all the people who have influenced us to change and grow, to figure out what is important, to redirect our path to align with our every changing priorities.  It is also an opportunity to look back at what we were, appreciate it, and move on to what we will be.

Thank you colleagues and friends for the wonderful convention this year.  I love being a nephrologist.

The Entanglement of Gen Med RTDs

It’s been a long time since I attended a Gen Med RTD. I found that it is the disadvantage (or maybe an advantage !) of being in a government institution.  Most often,  I just attend nephro events which I find more intimate and more relevant in my life.

However, I was duped just this week when a very kind Med Rep (yes the recipe for disaster) persistently invited me to a nutrition symposium.  Not thinking (yes, another ingredient for the recipe of disaster!), I was ready to say no because the venue was so far.  The Med Rep, whom we shall kindly call Poy, smoothly replied that there would be transportations and that I would be billeted in makati Shang Rila hotel.

All my resolve to say no suddenly disappeared with her kindness and her billeted-ness.  Given that I proceeded to make plans to invite SAFM, BOTD and hallokathy to my billetedness.  We resolved to eat drink and be merry.

Little did I realize that the event fell on the same day as the PSN pre convention!  Little did I realize that I needed to be at EDSA shang (not makati Shang!) post billeted-day to receive the PSN award (yes that for another post). Little did I realize hay this summit would entail around a thousand guests, that he pharmaceutical over-invites people, that I would be forced to sit through 5 lectures, and that I would have a toxic post cardiac surgery Icu patient that I would be managing via satellite q1 minute.  Little did I know that I would still have to cram slides for a PSN meeting!

Lesson learned :  wag na mag pa PO sa mga Gen Med RTD.  Sayang sa time, sayang sa pagod.

Entanglements.

A Room of Fear

I walk into a coffee shop in a rush, trying to get as much work as i can do before my yoga and plana class that i have missed for two weeks.  Usually, I step into a neighborhood coffee shop near the studio.

Something now seems to be different.  The room is full.  Many twenty somethings frantically reading, highlighting, trying to keep awake and sane.

It is a scene I am all too familiar with.  All of a sudden, there is a wave of recognition, nausea and vomiting that came over me.

It is the week in between the two weekends of the physician licensure examination!  And i remember I took mine 11 years ago!

I look at the trainees and those studying with pride for the medical school and internship that they have finished.

I look at them with pity for the weeks, months and years that they still have to go through educating themselves.

I look at them with envy for all the choices they can make and the possibilities that lie before them.

I look at them with encouragement for all the hardships that they will go through.

I cheer them on silently and pray that they may continue on this path because though difficult, it is rewarding.

Carry on!  I hope to one day welcome you as colleagues so that we can all work together to try to better the health situation of our country.

God bless!

I would like to take this moment to recognize and thank my board mates:  queen and frichmond.  I don't think i could have survived this period without you and that every reliable cup of starbucks coffee!

Sometimes, God is really Funny!

*warning, cheesy post.

Going on vacation now and meeting a lot of my old friends, they say that my skin looks so good.  Yes, I did have especially terrible skin in med school, when my face was all blotchy, even with all the topical and ORAL medications.  Imagine that.  It must have been stress, lack of exercise, lack of sleep or lack of beauty regimen.

Since I always associated myself with blotchy skin, I always open my eyes in wide surprise every time people say that my skin looks great!

Reflecting on this, I realize that it really is exercise.  However, I think a big part of it is I worry less about things and lean more towards acceptance and appreciation of life.  I just go on trips, enjoy what is handed to me.  And this year, I was handed a lot!  I am in a pretty good place.  When people ask me how I would rate my life, I often say nine out of ten.  And when they ask, what makes the missing one point, I would always reply, “the one!”

Yes, I have come to be more graceful, but there are moments of challenge.  In this trip to Sydney, particularly, I was surrounded by a lot of retired couples going back packing or touring.  You see these fifty year olds and sixty year olds holding osteoarthritic hands with their hunched over osteoporotic backs having the time of their lives.  Dressed comfortably in tees, shorts and rubber shoes, they would brave the falls, take dips in natural pools, climb walkways to view mountains. 

Sometimes, these retired couples would have grand children with them,

And I would think to God, “Lord, magkakaroon kaya ako ng ganyan?”

Close friends would often tell me to pray the prayer, “Lord, I would want to have a family of my own, but if it is not Your Will for me, please take this desire away from me!”

Diyos ko, Lord.  15 years na ako nagdadasal, wala pa rin.

This particular trip, I wasn’t very much alone in this personal conquest.  Riding a long, three hour bus ride to Edith Falls to Darwin City Proper, I get a viber messge from my good friend Thorn, currently working her normal day in Manila.  Out of the blue, she sends me screen caps of a particular spinster in distress with the following thoughts: 

Why don’t you like being alone? 

ASK ME WHEN I’M 70 IF I REACH 70, WAG TALONG PAKASASA SA HIPOKRISISYA NG SINGLE BLESSEDNESS ANO!

THOSE WHO TELL YOU TO WAIT FOR IT ARE THE ONES WHO ARE PRIVILEGED ENOUGH TO HAVE NOT WAITIED SO LONG OR AT ALL.

Yes, these ever so strong words interrupt the quiet, reflective time I have been trying to have in the bus ride through the dry, savannahs of Australia, talking to God, but more gently about the same matter. 

And she concludes by saying, “Yan ang mga thought bubbles ko.  Ahahhahaha!”

I try to be encouraging in my reply and say, “Yes mother, currently I am wrestling with God about the same matter while in this bus ride.  Lord, kelan kaya ako magkakaroon ng ganyan (pertaining to the retired couples adventuring their way around in the bus)?”

We further discuss the matter, tackling topics like speed dating, how we are lazy to do it.

I try to supportingly give an anecdote of hope.  Upon landing in Darwin, Australia, we made friends with a 74-year old lady at the bus stop.  She goes on to tell us about her teaching career and how it was moved to Australia when she met and married an Aussie Guy. 

Her future husband apparently saw her in a coffee shop when the lady was 38 years old and in the height of her teaching career.  The man stepped on her foot so that they would meet.  After six months, the rest is history, The teacher went AWOL from one of the prestigious Universities of the Philippines, left her teaching job and moved to Australia.

I end by saying, “Mother, simple lang naman ako.  Gusto ko lang ng lalaki n aka-holding hands!”  To which we both laughed.

The next day, I am riding a van with my good friend from high school and her son.  Out of nowhere, her son, C, grabs my hand and says, “let’s to holding hands, Ninang!”

Here is a picture:

I tell my friend that the day before, I was just praying to God for a man to hold hands with.  And there you go.

Nakakatawa ka naman Lord, eh.

My friend says, “you should have been more specific!”

My sister says, “sana man lang, kasing tangkad mo!”

To which I reply, “yes sure, maybe in 18 years!”

Yes, the Lord did answer the man I got to hold hands with.  But I get this weird feeling that the Lord just wanted to make me laugh and is laughing with me.  Ah yes, humor!

But it’s all good.

Call me ideal, call me fairy-tale-y.  However, what I take home from this is that God is listening.

God answered me when I asked for the opportunity to travel all over the world.

God answered me when I asked for coffee and didn’t want to spend…I got free coffee in the airport.

God answered me when I asked for Laksa.  We had dinner at the Malaysian restaurant.

God answered me when I requested to check in all my luggage and not be overweight.  The weight of my two bags were exactly, exactly at 30 kilos.

I guess the desire to have a family is still in my heart because maybe there is still hope.

I ask for the opportunity to have husband and kids.  I hope it comes at exactly the right time.

Until then, I will just be busy, enjoying my life, laughing out loud with God and with friends.  What do you know, the best is yet to come.  Maybe just around the corner, someone will step on my foot as well!