Forging Ahead Through 2017

Yesterday, I got a viber message from a friend of mine, Ms G4.  She was interested in starting a blog as inspired by other friend, Aggiedala.  Aggiedala makes it a habit to evaluate her past year, sent a link to us which all got our creative juices flowing.

Back to the viber message of Ms G4.  She was thoughtfully asking for a title for a blog.  That got me all excited.  I dug deep into my brain trying to come up with a title that would best describe her current phase in life, along with the life goal I imagined she had in coming up with her blog.

And there you have it.  I stopped with BENEATH THE CRACKS.  That was perfect.  For her.  For me.  And for any writer, I suppose, trying to share some deep part of her.

At lunch today, Ms G4, Pseudomoney and I met up.  And I have shared this thought:

I find that writing is a necessary outcome that one has in the midst of change, sorrow, transition or challenges.  And i was pleasantly surprised on looking back that i have not had one single entry in 2016.  However, upon reading the blogs that I had written both as my nega alter ego suckitupeth and my posi alter ego thenewmesucksitup,  I find myself in deep regret because I had not written more.  The blogs were so good!

Maybe the position of happiness and contentment was less of an impetus to write.  Maybe the absence of the struggle made me wrestle less with my thoughts whether in my head, on paper, or on the computer screen.  It is a waste, though.  To not write!  

Many of our experiences usually sink in the amnesic abyss of forgetfulness, especially when one dives into an adulthood with so many concerns.  Pure things are buried.  And these things can be brought to the surface and become indelible in our minds when we are reminded from our previous entries.  The previous entries, more than anything, made me look back to my old me.  And i do with much fondness.  I laughed while in my current age, I laughed remembering i was at the age i wrote the blog!  

That is why (after that very long segue), i will now rise up to the challenge of Aggiedala.  I will review my 2016. :)    https://aggiedala.wordpress.com/2016/12/31/the-2016-year-end-survey/

What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before?  Created a painting.  Yes, it was lunch at sip and gogh, but given my grades in art in high school, i never thought i would do it!

I always loved the painting starry starry night by van gogh.  This is my interpretation.  This painting is the only one hanging on my wall in my bedroom.  When i open my eyes first thing in the morning, it is the first thing i see.  It inspires me.  When i feel like withdrawing, I imagine jumping into the canvass.

 I always remember and value this quote from the restaurant: if you hear a voice inside you say you cannot paint, paint and that voice will be silenced. -sip and gogh.  

i hope this is also true for music, cooking, relationships and vocation. 
Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for the next year?
In 2015, my word for the year was exercise.  I was unlocked.  I wanted to build on this the next year.
In 2016, my desired word for the year was declutter.  I had hoped to add this over and above exercise, but i regressed in exercise.  Decluttering was done, but incompletely so.  (friends would know why this is a seemingly impossible task, but one has to keep at it!)  As an outcome, my achieved theme for 2016 is MAXIMAL FLEXIBILITY AND ACCEPTANCE.

yes, i intend to make more for 2017.  My word for the year is CLEAN.  Cleaner house, clean living, clean room, clean diet, clean goals and priorities.  Specific resolutions are as follows:
1.  drink 10 glasses of water a day.
2.  exercise 3x a week starting second week of January 2017 until december.
3.  sing with a group weekly for the entire year.
4.  dance once a week for myself.
5.  read the Bible daily.

Did anyone close to you get married?  I can't remember anyone.
Give Birth? Oh yes!  Queenie and Chepoy off the top of my head.
Passed Away? Not close, but was deeply affected by the death of Carrie Fisher.

What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?
Routine habitual exercise and Chorva.

Which dates from 2016 remain etched upon your memory and why?
September 12, because this is the birthday of a previously close friend, a current constant close friend, and this was the day of freedom for a co-competitor.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?  
The gift of forgiveness, resilience, maximum flexibility and acceptance.
Spending time with people who really matter to me.
Traveling and Jet-setting alone and comfortably, where i made new acquaintances!

What was your biggest failure?
Just going out on one date for the year.
And the fact that i let myself go.  2015 heralded a break through year for me in terms of physical fitness and strength.  However, in 2016, I was less consistent and I believe i have surpassed by baseline.  This is something I MUST change this 2017!   To love myself first in order to have more capacity to love others more.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Attacks of vertigo.  My car suffered injuries!
Even though my knee injury happened in 2012, I always remember it to this day because every time I kneel in church, I am grateful I am able to do it.  I remember a six week period i could not kneel because I had bad knees.
Atopic Dermatitis is a companion I constantly have.

What was the best thing you bought?
SPOTIFY SUBSCRIPTION!
Avi Avanza and Conrad the Condo!  I literally had nauseous attacks when i signed the loan papers from both.  But i survived the first year for both!

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Ms G4.  Beneath the cracks, she remains beautiful and one with the Lord.
SAFM.  Stalkerella recipient worth OVER 9 MILLION!






Where did most of your money go?
Investment: Avi, Condo and Insurance.  Okay fine, also dining out with friends.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The reopening of Plana Forma!
and...
Singing with a group again: Pansol Choir of the Sta. Maria della Strada Parish.

I always sang in a choir ever since I could remember.  The earliest days were in grade school when I would sing in Sta. Maria della Strada Parish.  In high school, I joined the liturgical choir.  In college, i sang occasionally with organization choirs.  It was in medical school that the routine, accomplishments, travel and passion became cemented in me.  I never thought I would ever have an opportunity to sing again after medical school, especially since I have already visited Europe, China and the US because of singing.

I consciously closed that chapter of my life and counted myself lucky that I was able to have the opportunities I had with the UPMedChoir.

However, my subconscious would not agree.  (Enter Carl Jung's Collective Consciousness!)  After having been on hiatus since 2012, I found that the voice of music inside me would not be silenced.  The desire to sing could not be contained by any other means.  It was December 25, 2015, after the 1030 am Mass that I heard a voice in my head say, "Approach the choir loft!"  And so I did.  And the rest is history.

I was very hesitant to follow that voice, mind you.  I was well aware of the time and commitment chorale singing demands of a person.  And I felt I am a far different person in 2016 than I was in 2001 when I joined MedChoir.  In the few seconds that it took to reach the loft, I had a conversation with God, saying, "Lord, I just really want to sing.  And honestly, this is not even about serving.  I just really want to sing.  However, I choose to prioritize my life as follows: God, Family, Friends and Patients, Choir."  And that has been my mantra ever since.

Events after that voice speaking in my head leading up to my current state of soliciting donations for our choir to sing this July in Bali for a Chorale Competition (yes, please help us pay it forward, support us please!)  and regularly practicing have been nothing short of miraculous.  And for another blog! And it is this that keeps me excited until today.  Singing with a group.  Harmonizing.  And training under a master.  :)




What song will always remind you of 2017?
Thinking out Loud.  Because it reminds me of Plana Forma.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp-EO5I60KA&index=99&list=PL9NY5axt700HTnrruVA6gTgcd8lOczZkM

Compared to this time last year, are you…
Happier or Sadder?  Definitely happier.  Things have been looking up since 2011.
Thinner or Fatter?  Okay, fine.  Fatter.  That causes me to be a bit sadder.  A bit lang.
Richer or Poorer?  Definitely richer.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
Read the Bible, Exercise, Blog, Yoga, Zumba, Travel.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sleep late, worry, bad habits, procrastination.

How did you spend Christmas?

It was a fun Christmas.  From November 22, 2016 onwards, I felt very full of the Christmas Spirit because of all the caroling we were doing in the choir.  Christmas Eve was very special because it was the first time I attended the Christmas Eve Mass and we sang.  On Christmas Day, our choir sang in two masses.  At night time, we had the Lardizabal Reunion in the house.  It was fun.  The more exciting thing was creating a repeat on February for which I am very excited!


Did you fall in love in 2017?
Yes, not intensely, but yes. :)

What was your favorite TV program?
Yes to the Dress?

What was the best book you read?
Most definitely…When we really delve into the reasons for why we can't let something go, there are only two: an attachment to the past or fear of the future.  - Marie Kondo









What were your greatest musical discoveries? 
Kristin Chenoweth.  Her album Coming Home.

How did you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?
Jeans, Black, Fit flops, No make-up.  Must change fashion sense to become more doctorly in 2017.

What did you want and get?
Avi Avanza.

What did you want and not get?
My ideal body weight.  A change in status.

What was your favorite film of this year?
Dr. Strange

What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I don't remember.  So, I will check my iPhone, Facebook, Instagram and Calendar which said…
I arrived from the US in July 10.
I had lunch with Van in July 14.
I remember I had pizza with Pansol Choir that week.


What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Maybe a change in status? ;)  And more massages. :)

What kept you sane?
Most definitely God through bible study, friends and biological sisterhood.

Which celebrity / public feature did you fancy the most?
Pia Wurtzbach.  I was doing rounds while trying to make sense of the most confusing Miss Universe Pageant across different hospital rooms while doing rounds.  One minute, there was one Miss Universe, the next minute, it was someone else!

Who did you miss?
SMF friends SAFM, Richmond, BOTD and HTGOF.  And Ate Bi and Pingol Fantastic Four!

Who was the best new person you met?
Pam Mancio.  I don't know why, but she inspires me. :)

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.
Maximum flexibility, Maximum Acceptance.
Just because you aren't all together as a family doesn't make you less of one.

Aggiedala, I don't know how to tag people!  I must learn this art of pingback-ing this 2017!

May 2017 bring a year of improvement from the previous year!

Psychiatric Coffee

Many times throughout my medical training career, i almost threw in the towel.  i always thought that things were to hard, that i was giving up too much of life being stuck in training.  too many times, i wanted to quit, but my sister would often say, “just finish this segment (med school, internship, residency, fellowship) and then decide later.”  the finish line kept on moving away, but i kept on.  Until i did finish the final finish line.

i am glad i did.  fast forward to today, every day, i thank god that he made it possible for me to be a doctor.

i distinctly remember during one time of craziness in training that talked to my friend.  let us call this friend God.  i talked to God and told him, “i think i am going crazy.  do you think i need to see a shrink?”  he then replied, “smoketh, if you are just going to spend thousands of bucks seeing a shrink, save your money and just invite me for coffee instead.  it’ll end up cheaper.  and no, you are not going crazy.”

this line made me hold on and finish med school and keep on. little did i know that i built the habit that would keep me sane more now that it ever did during training.  little did i know that i would need these little coffee breaks when i stepped out into the real world.  where there would be no beginnings and endings.  just one big marathon.  or amazing race.  when one day would finish and another would start…and things would just keep on coming.   this is it.  pansit. 

every time nowadays that i feel that i am going crazy, i just remember what god said.  i would look for a friend to have coffee / dinner / lunch with and talk out the craziness i have.  more often that not, i would find that the friend would also have his bit of craziness to share.  and we would get out of the conversation or the meet-up more adjusted given that we were able to air out our issues.

this is why, i realized, that we are more prone to craziness nowadays.  even if med school and training was much more bleak (no money, no time, no love life and servanthood at its highest level), it was made more bearable because we lived the saying “misery loves company.”  thank the high heavens, today i found reprieve from this craziness because of the friends god tossed my way today.

thank god for sun cellular.  i got the chance to have a long chat with special agent Fox Mulder, Nephro Incognito and Pseudomoney Arosinosa.  we laughed our hearts out at the mundane-ext things, chatting during the long hours of traffic and waiting, wondering why things were the way they were, why we would think the same while others just don’t get it and punctuate everything with laughter when nothing else made sense.

thank god for facebook, we got to selfie for the independence day special of Pope Heir of All during our shortest chance meetings while rounding in the hospital.

thank god for lunches and dinners with First Grader and Twin Terrace of the past, where we could just chat about our most private and embarrassing thoughts (and confessions) and laugh out at our evil (and dirty) thoughts and not worry that we would we judged by each other (judgemental that we are).  And binge on great food while all this is going on.  (kebs na ang diet).

life i guess is about keeping on.  and keeping on when you feel the need to throw in the towel.  life is about taking the challenges one thing at a time.  because there will always be challenges.  because there will always be evolution of life situations.  things will never be the same.  life is still hoping that maybe, i am one day closer to my dream.  that in the meantime, the journey also has its moments and can be fun.  that in the meantime, even if it is not fun, there are friends who can turn the darkest of days into the funniest moments so that you can keep on.

thank you god for handing me those friends in abundance today.  

contrary to what i often think, i am not alone.  i guess i just have to look extra harder, make that extra effort to have that cup of coffee instead of the shrink consult.  because maybe, more that getting help for myself, i find that the cup of coffee, the dinner, and maybe the occasional LUR is something that friends help each other with. :)

Purging Heavy Feelings in my Heart

Today is the first monday i have with no school.  i was so tired yesterday, i guess of emotional issues that i just slept and thought i would sleep in today, excitedly doing so because i didn't have class.  before, sleeping in used to feel so good.

now as i awaken, i didn’t feel good.  i felt that the time passed me by.  its already 10 am and i have not accomplished anything.  however, i think to myself, the day is still young and i can do a lot more.

i missed the opportunity to do early plana with a friend because i woke up late.

i missed the chance to pass my requirement today in manila because i woke up late.

i now turn to writing to once again rechannel and refocus what to do.  loss of a routine makes me feel confused as today does because i didn’t plan what to do today.

i guess i feel so tired and dejected because of home issues.  i realize that the home issues when you are back from training and living a real life will never go away.  things will always have to be done. there will not be any shifting out from the rotation modes when everything will be brand new.

last week, i feel my energy being sapped by family issues (parents growing old is indeed a real thing), illnesses, icu patients that draw strength from you, friends who are unavailable, not by choice, but because of their dealings with their own busy-ness.  i guess that is where the word business comes from.

when you do meet, it is always as if time together isn’t enough or you are always in a rush to proceed to the next concern.

i don’t remember when it became like this.  but it really became more marked as practice grew.  yes, the revenue did grow, but the time became so precious that you would have to decide how to spend it.  i guess that is why i feel a little guilty about sleeping in.  TUMPAK!

To often in life, i find that you have to reflect on your emotional why and just limit activities to that in order to streamline oneself and stress less.

what is my emotional why nowadays?

checking in with god.  and myself.  check.

relationships.  family.  friends.  okay, this is a bit of a problem.  friends, help me out here?  hopefully one day to have a family.  (oh lord, please let this be one day soon) 

manggamot.  okay.

become more healthy.  plana and yummy diets!

four items on the list.  I guess this is doable. 

let us do it!

resolve: to wake up early.  hence….i should sleep early. :)

there is really something to be said about writing as a release.  i feel better already. ;0)

early to bed, early to rise

i pray this tonight.

lord, let me sleep early with much restfulness. let me have sweet dreams, or maybe stay in peace with no dreams at all.

let me feel safe in my sleep.

let me then wake early.  so that i can chat with you.  so i can breathe.  so i can relax.  so i can lower my shoulders and stretch to meet to sun.  so I can be ready to meet the day.  so i can beat the traffic.

wake me up, lord.  

amen.

Cheeziness. Reader beware.

I feel like i have been waiting for my OTL for the longest time.  sometimes, the wait makes me feel like i am going to die.  i have had my fair share of people who were like this quote presented above, like my angels.  but what i ask for now is not an angel…but the person.  

will he come?

will you come?

what do i do while waiting?

in my pure panic, i find myself praying to god that the man will be like a parking space.  let me elaborate.

many of my friends are utterly amazed at my capacity to find parking in places where no one else would find parking if their lives depended on it.  i don’t know why.  early on during my driving years, i found myself having the habit of praying to the “parking angel” (as taught by my sister) for a parking space as i step into the parking lot or parking building.  i would then roll down my window to listen for a care starting up, or the sound of the stick shift going into reverse and would rush to the empty parking space.  

i always thought: i would just need one space.  just one.  and that one would be perfect as long as i could fit it it.  

given that i would ALWAYS find parking, i am never worried every time i step into a full parking lot.  my FAITH is so intense that the parking would be saved there just for me.  and it always is.  without fail.

given this and contrasted with my lack of a man, i often find myself praying, “lord, why can’t finding my one true love be just like that one parking slot?  i just need one.  JUST ONE!” 

my close friend tells me to have faith on the one true love just like i do with parking.  even if i don’t see the parking space, i know it is going to be there.  

and if god can give me a small thing i desire, such as parking, who can say that there won’t be that one true love that i desire with my whole being?

next time i find that empty parking, i hope beside my car will be the car of my one true love.  :)  the best is yet to come.  while waiting then, i just hope to bask in that faith.

Patient love is messy...

today, a patient was admitted under my service.  under normal circumstances, this should have made me happy.  excited even.  this would have given me the opportunity to practice my clinical prowess, exercise my mind, give a chance to be good and help humankind.

problem was i hated her.  i didn’t want to admit her under my service.  it was the weekend and i just wanted to do plans forma.  she was shrewd to the point that in the clinic yesterday, i charged her nothing because she wouldn’t take my medical opinion and i didn’t want to see her again because she kept on ranting about finances.  yes, i understand that finances play a major role in a place where insurance was not the mainstay of health care, but the patient would not accept the alternative of being admitted under a service hospital either.  talk about being payish.

after i sent her on her way (hoping that she would indeed go her way which would be OUT OF MY WAY), she called back my clinic (after my secretary and i had left), seemingly as an afterthought and did decide to follow my advice.  even with no clinic schedule on a weekend, i told her i would be willing to see her in the morning given that i had activities lined up in the afternoon.  she had the gall to say that she could not come, and the even bigger gall to ask to be admitted under my service and NOT go through the ER.  

trying to perform my Christian duty, i called the hospital and dictated admitting orders, respectfully asking the staff to give the orders to her.  after it was all done and complete, patient then decides to admit herself the next day.  saturday.  afternoon.  when i had my activities planned.

i prayed to the highest heavens for her to find another doctor.  i prayed for her not to cross my path because i felt that my kindness was being abused by her shrewdness.  

as circumstances would have it, she did admit herself under my service.  i went to the hospital even if i feigned being out of town to step out of her way.  only to find out that she had herself referred to another doctor.  and as such, i was the third wheel.  i believe her exact words were “paano yan doc, eh di dalawa na kayoing babayaran ko?”  

i couldn’t believe hearing those words after i went out of my way.  so i said with raising temper that i could just take out my entry from the chart and prevent nothing happened.  and she said “eh paano yan doc, kayo ang naiintindihan ko.”  

in pure exasperation, i headed out of the room “hmmping” away, muttering “discout sa PF”.  i felt smoke coming out of my ears and my face turning red in pure anger.

my thoughts were: i shouldn’t have sunk to her level and been rude.  but, i am just human.  however, i shouldn’t have done it.  but she deserved it.  she was so disrespectful (would that be the english translation of BASTOS?).  i should have understood her because she was sick.  but she was admitted under me and she did not follow any of my advice.  but that is the exact thing doctors give.  advice.  and i, as a doctor, could not compel anyone to do what i think should be done.  

it was a good thing things would solve itself.  i get a phone call from the head nurse where the patient requested that she only be seen by the other doctor.  i was ecstatic to be able to get out of the way.  i signed out of the service and charged nothing.

one would think that i should be happy.  but i was not. mainly because i sank so low.  i should have kept my cool.  shown my doctorly love. but the alta in me couldn’t do so. 

how do you balance being kind (and prone to abuse) versus being right (and being prone to complaints for misconduct)?    

Epilogue…

well, too late to do anything else now.  at least i got out of it.  at least, i got a reflection paper out of it.  at least, i got my point across (i think, or did i?).  i just hope that this lapse on my part will have no repercussions for my conduct and my referral base in the future.  but if it does, maybe this is not the place for me. 

only time will tell.

REbirth

Long ago, in grade 4, to be exact, i remember that i often got good grades in all the writing i have done.  i would always write and journal. Maybe this was because this was the age before digital technology.  keeping everything in history within your reach depended more on handwriting rather than computers, more on film rather than digi-photos, more on paper rather than online social networking sites.  given that, i don’t know what happened.  maybe real life got in the way.  maybe the writing drive in me just died.  or maybe it didn’t die.  maybe that writing freak was buried deep within, overthrown by the me that became the doctor, the teacher, the house-maintainer, the sister, the daughter.  the writer in me just died.  or hopefully more aptly, maybe the writer in me just went to sleep.

so tonight, i call on to jesus, like the relatives of lazarus did, hoping for an awakening of that dead writer self.  there are so much thoughts to be shared, so much heavy feelings to be unloaded, so many fast, turbulent and imaginative thoughts that can only be tamed as they are put on paper.  

alas, i realize that writing is not really something that comes easily.  yes, it does come naturally.  right now, i can barely stop my fingers from typing.  however, the discipline of prioritising it, making the time, quieting the mind for the fingers to begin putting down the thoughts is as active effort.  beginning is an active effort.  however, once i begin, there is no stopping it.  i hope that inertia continues this writing so that the documentation will continue and i will never have to restart.  i hope that the writing will continue so that the thoughts will be down on paper and hopefully clutter less of the mind.  i hope that i will continue writing so that, in some way, i can cleanse myself of the negative feelings that i have and explode out into the world the overwhelming positive feelings i have (if any at all!).

It is not a question of whether i can.  i know i can.  it is now an answer that i will. :)