5 Minutes a Day

 (Alexa, set timer for 5 minutes!)

Two weeks back, i could feel myself beginning to sink into the all too familiar pit of doom and darkness.  Life patterns have generally taught me that sinking into sadness is not necessarily i recognize in my brain, but my actions.  I begin to sleep more, get headaches, feel that dark cloud looming over my head, or get this feeling of DREAD for everything and nothing.  Contrary to the previous falls into this pit of doom, I could find no impetus that pushed me to it.  Probably, it is just the monotony of life.  Or the pandemic exhaustion.  I could not tell what it is.  As such, it was all the more too difficult to acutely solve one thing.

When I fall into this pattern of behavior, I know too well that the antidote is ACTION, more than introspection.  This is especially because I am really an introspective person, but too much introspection can be a shovel that pushes me further into the pit of doom.  I then launch into actions that I know would help me feel better with repetition: not take on more tasks, sleep early, call friends, meet friends, exercise, light scented candles.  Even if I don't want to.

One of the go to's I have is my special bestie "girl friend SAFM".  He has been really being very supportive, meeting me once a week for two weeks in a row now, while we commiserate about the agonies of life, accept the ebbing and flowing of these feelings, recall the times when i did say "I am in a good place!", remind ourselves that the good place will somehow find its way back into our daily lives, and that when we do, we still have the poor sense of falling back to the pit.  Cycle repeats.

But in a comforting way, SAFM mutters, "at least walang nag kakasakit."  And he is right.  

In the meantime, until I reach this proverbial good place again, this exchange between us has been happening over and over when we gobble up our paella with chorizo, calamares rebosado, croquetas and bread dolloped with olive oil and tomato salsa topped with manchego cheese, and drink our sangria and apple cider, while opening his box of a newly purchased red and yellow batman 7 inch action figure.

"Hindi ka ba nalulungkot?"

"Nalulungkot!"

"So anong ginagawa mo pag nalulungkot ka?"

"Write!"

So here I am, as per SAFM's recommendation, writing.

I now add into my "get out of my depression pit action list" the act of writing five minutes a day.

(Alexa Alarms: 5 minutes done!)

Here we go. 

Silver Lining in Every Dark Cloud

These days, I don't know what it is exactly.

I have been a bit depressed.  I know it because of the time i spend in bed, or the feeling that i cant get out of bed, or the feeling that i am drowning and cannot breathe.  it was particularly true yesterday when i didn't do any thing that i liked and got up at 12 noon.  on a work day.

i had to force myself to go to work because my phone was ringing with calls and texts that i had to see patients.   i missed a conference i said that i would attend and i skipped two clinics.

i just wrote this because i didn't what to forget this mental picture.

in the peak of my sadness, i paid a visit to an old patient of mine who was admitted in the charity service.  at times, i just paid her a visit to uplift her spirits.  i passed by to say that i was going to be on leave for two weeks, due to a family trip.

She smiled.  

Beside her, was another lola patient, with difficulty of breathing hooked to oxygen support and seated on tripod position.  in the middle of difficulty breaths, she had a big smile and looked at me with bright eyes, with a cheery "Have a happy trip doktora!"

i felt ashamed of myself, in some way.  i felt touched.  i felt tears come to my eyes.

i put on my best smile, looked at her and said, "Mommy, sama ka sa akin!"  Maybe i would need her good cheer, her optimism and that light in her eyes on this trip.

i know that each struggle is real, as well as mine was, but she made me remember that life is tough all over.  And it was tough for her, but she smiled.  And smiling was her choice.  As it can be mine.

that picture of that mommy is burnt through my brain in and heart.  but i write it today because i don't want to forget.

it is during these days that i am thankful that i am a doctor.  because of what the patients give to me.  it is more than what i give to them.

Mari Kondo-ing my life in 2019

we always lose someone to depression and mental illness. in fear of this, i found myself messaging my close friends that a cup of coffee and a laughter bout may be just what we need when the though of losing to depression hits us.

while talking about the topic to a dear friend, i had these reflections which were an outpouring of my thoughts and feelings. the words were to good not to immortalize so here goes:

I understand the scatterbrainness, well, maybe to a certain extent. I think I can never really imagine being a parent since i am not a parent to many cute and needy babies! however, each person has their own version of this neediness: pets, work, aging parents, dying patients, differently abled family members. There is indeed a segment of the day which is like quick sand or when it's so difficult to breathe because of sooooo many thiiiiiings!

When confused, I try to read a bit of the bible and call friends and rant. (Every day kami nag tatawagan ng friends to rant). Rant ka lang minsan when you need.

operation dagdag bawas lang PRN.

Ang hirap dahil ang layo ng mga tao, but we must take advantage of what technology has to offer. Kanina nga, I called up another friend, with our matching ranting session and promise that I would visit her if i would happen to be in her area. (with matching though bubble in my head, kailan kaya yun? ). We really must make time.

Its really easy to feel negligent because we are doing so many things and are so busy. Bawas tayo ng bawas ng ginagawa, but inertia really puts a lot of things in our plate, a lot of things that we really don’t want to do. But at least, we have our friends who push us in the mindfulness direction, those friends who ask the difficult question:
bakit mo ba ginagawa yan? ...those who help us to fight to take away which is useless. It’s a daily effort, I now find.

Don’t worry, kahit ako, iniisip ko, itong ______ (insert hated and dreaded task in this blank) na lang na ito tapos tapos na. Hahahahahahah. Pero hindi natatapos. however, there is that hope that we move on to more things...maybe more complicated things...but at least there is a promise of more things that we will grow into and give us joy.

A wise friend also told me....the Beauty of clutter is that they are things and things are finite. Mauubos din sila. (sana, totoo din ito for limville!)

A wise friend always tells me: The best is yet to come.

i share these thoughts with special people who help me each time kahit malayo kayo, and are so patient amidst all the many many things we have to do: Marivic Lim Pingol Monalisa Lim-Dungca Mitzi Mangaser RegalaArlene Afaga Cha-cha Geronimo Van Derick Mangulabnan Mae Quintal Quetua Dianne Aguila JuanPaolo Dela Cruz Lagunzad Aromaz AllyrosTherese Eileen LN Will Liangco Diana Tamondong-Lachica Will LiangcoEliza Mia Dejoras

go go go!

here is to a more intentional 2019. may we Mari Kondo our life: keep only the things that spark joy!

Mine

Coming from a restful yet productive weekend, I proceed to incidentally stay at the condo while waiting for a friend as our lunch venue would be in the same place.

I enter the condo.  The furniture was lined with dust, quiet and unmanned.

I open the main switchboard, open the fans, the windows, my music and sit on the chair on my dining room and type my thoughts away.

So quiet.  So alone.  So uncluttered.  So mine.

I could not be more content.

What I would give to live in this place as I would wish.  However, as life would have it, priorities ad in a vacuum.  They are decided considering other people, other feelings, other goals, outside of what is mine.

And that is still the way it should be.  As I realised that upon buying this place and making it mine, It did not make me happy as I imagined.

People did.  Not things.  Sharing things.  Not keeping them to myself.

However, once in a while, I give in to my introvertedness, the wistfulness while thinking, "when can I live in a place as minimal as this, as I would want to?"

Though not an abode, this place is a retreat.  To check in with my thoughts.  To be in the quiet and to check in with me.

For now, in this moment, I could not be more content. :)

You Think You Have It All

Sometimes, the most irritating thing about having the both the money and the time is that you don't have anyone to spend it with.

Manifested Prayers

I always find it surprising how we can pray and pray and pray, and sometimes forget what we prayed for.  That is until what we pray for comes along.

This is especially true this year.  So many years have passed when i have always bought a new littman classic stethoscope after being so careless and lost the others.  When i want to buy these, I usually spend extra time in the store, looking at the cardiac steth and testing it out on my chest, marveling at how much more loud and clear the sounds are.  I would then check the price, and more often than not, it would be higher than 10,000 pesos.

Now the funny thing about working for your own money is that you think that there is a certain level when you will be more comfortable buying something, even if it is expensive, eventually.  But no, that time never comes.  One will just give a wistful stare,  a sigh, a shrug of both shoulders and move about in my own way.

I guess this came for me because this year, i have made the conscious effort to shy away from materialism.  When i really want something, I always ask if it is worth the cost.  Meaning that it will not be clutter, or if there is an inexpensive alternative that will fill its role.  Usually, I lose when the self debate involves trips with friends, because with those i realize, i buy the time with friends, more than the trip.

My better self usually wins the debate regarding material things.

However, God does not leave us to be alone.

After years and years and years of staring and stroking many cardiac steths that came my way, I received one this July from a cousin of mine, whose dad my sister and i watched out for.  Yes, my sister and I each got one!  And i feel like i was so lucky i didn't buy one anymore, because i got one for free!

Today was also a similar day.  Back in February, I lost my wallet to bukas kotse gang, and just grabbed a paper bag as an alternative wallet.  A few days after, while clutter cleaning at home, i found an old organizer aka wallet in my drawer.  (yes, go for clutter cleaning!) . Its been falling apart the last few months, but lo and behold when i went to clinic today, this greeted me!

And just like that, i have a new wallet.

The story gets more amazing when i tithed last week.  I gave (what i thought) was an extraordinary amount, 10% of my income for a good month.  Imagine my surprise when that day, i already got the corresponding amount through two cheques that i received that day!

God is really sovereign.  Somehow, trusting Him in one aspect of life makes all the rest easier.

So as of this writing, I am challenged, but inspired to trust, in that one aspect of life i am praying for the most.  I still hear the His quiet voice staying, "Steady ka lang diyan, trust."

So I try to.

Trust and Clutter Clearing for Manifested Prayers.  Always very therapeutic. :)


------------

epilogue

The day after this entry, I messaged two close friends of mine I have not seen in a long time.

5: 49 pm
Me: Nakakatawa girls, sobrang benign ko ngayon, pero i am really thankful, kasi ang dami kong nagagawa for myself.  pero hindi ako sanay sa time.  Miss ko na kayo!  naisip ko nga, ano ba ang gagawin natin sa lahat ng oras at pera na meron tayo when we cant spend it with anyone?  ahahhahaha, hating the fact na malayo kayo, but loving the fact that you guys are my friends, messaging you both with love!

5:58 pm
Friend: I set ulit ang out of town.

6:45 pm
Friend:  Conference tomorrow at hotel in makati?  Free.  (messaged paraphrased!). Need two names.  PM me asap.

And just like that, we had a spontaneous night out with each other and more friends!

Imagine that!  Here is to more answered prayers and being thankful for them!

trust

Proverbs 3:5-10

5Trust in the Lordwith all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

6in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.3:6 Or will direct your paths

7Do not be wise in your own eyes;

fear the Lordand shun evil.

8This will bring health to your body

and nourishment to your bones.

9Honor the Lordwith your wealth,

with the firstfruits of all your crops;

10then your barns will be filled to overflowing,

and your vats will brim over with new wine.

The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.®

Used by Permission of Biblica, Inc.® All rights reserved worldwide.

pardon this long sharing.

the introduction really spoke to me. this is the year, 2018, when I believe, I have come closest to putting my trust in god the most. I didn't realise that it was a long process in coming, but it did.

I love this verse, and I always remember Gary v's song, and sing this in my mind when things become difficult. though love is the means by which all good things flow, trust is necessary to this love. trust is like sitting on the passenger seat, not holding the steering wheel and letting god move things. and when this trust is present, things just flow and walking becomes easy. there is no fight. the challenge is always to stay in this state of trust and not let what we want take control. 

I believe that when i trust, god knows what we want and he provides the outcome in the best possible, surprising but wonderful way.

however, I always still pray this everyday: Lord, if it is not Your will, let it slip through my grasp and give me the peace not to worry about it.

and this: you don't need t know where you are going if god is leading.