"Kaya na ba natin mag tour?" The voice asking the questions was tentative.
To which i replied with conviction, "Oo naman. And besides, whatever the outcome, wala namang magiging talunan with the experience. Mag-aaway-away tayo in the process for sure. However, in the end, everyone will be more grown-up and happier, no matter what the result."
Nine months after the preparation, three weeks and three countries after the competition, i still maintain that what I said is completely, and irrevocably true.
Little did I know, though, that the concept of coming out as a travel winner did not only hold true for the choir, but for me as well.
Throughout the process, patterns upon patterns of myself, my interactions with other were repeated. The story the same, the characters different. There was me, very excited with the practice. Valuing the past, living in the present, anticipating the future with fear and excitement. The most difficult time for me is usually immediately just before the flight to the chorale competition. I can predict exactly what will happen: the chaos, the determination, the fun, the arguments during the high stress events, the tapestry building of the music, the performance, the adrenaline, the every-so-slow growth of relationships that just sneaks up on you and hits you hard before you even know it, and finally: the most dreaded separation anxiety. Tear-jerking, gut-wrenching, withdrawal-level SEPARATION ANXIETY.
Just like clock-work, everything happened in that order.
However, the difference with this current experience is that i was with a group of people i had not grown up with. They were very young in terms of the experience. I was a few years ahead of them. Backgrounds were very different. As such, i learned a lot of things about myself.
Unlike medchoir who new my every idiosyncrasy, whim, verbal and non-verbal cues, this group knew me quite differently. I was at a season where my life priorities are faith, my family, my patients, and then my music. Quite different from 10 years previously, when chorale life used to rule my world. As a person, i did my best to be laid back, unaffected and deaf to mistakes even. I tried to silence my monster, the worst critique in me. I tried my best to keep my ears closed. When that failed, i tried to keep my face passive. This was my new normal.
I believe i came to this conclusion because I didn't want the responsibility. The goal to be good, great, or even to win comes with it a great responsibility.
However, old habits die hard. In the face of pressure and adversity, the desire to be the best that you can be and improve on what you were before clicks in. It isn't even voluntary. It just happens. It's just like toothpaste being squeezed out of the tube. It is like the endless fight-and-never-flight response that was hammered into you during all the years of training. I just couldn't stop the reflex of wanting to be the best and doing everything I could.
Then began the long battle. Of realizing that maybe people aren't in the same page. That there are things I can't control. That sometimes, even if I know I want things and know how to get it, the collective effort of a group is exactly just that….collective. One person has to adjust to the rest to ensure maximal harmony. That things i took for granted as normal were things that i learned through the years. That even if i learned some things and could easily dictate these pearls to others, true learning meant going through the experience and modifying one's behavior out of his own volition. This can in no way be dictated. And it was tough being the one that went ahead. And that not every one is that same. And it has to be accepted. But despite this, that there are people, just enough people, who help you out, preserve your sanity, deepen the laughs, empathize with tears and change you for good.
The question was if the group could grow and adjust fast enough to achieve the goal: winning.
Though the story of the events were predictable, it is usually the outcome (winning or not) that usually comes out as a surprise. I realized i didn't get nervous with performing anymore. The one time i got nervous during the entire trip was the announcement of the winners. I realized i wanted to join the Grand Prix (like the Grand Finals of the competition) as this is the pinnacle of success i was never yet able to achieve. However, this would not be realized in Bali. Nevertheless, the choir celebrated with being category champion and 5-time gold medalist. Not bad for the first try.
These are my heart-felt take home messages from the Bali Experience.
1. I realize though, that the medals and the trophy was not what i was after. I was after perfection. Or nearness to it, at that. I wanted to overlap what i imagined to be the perfect rendition of the pieces i heard in my mind with what my ear appreciated. It was a wonder to me how close we came, but not quite.
2. The experience awakened in me the long-dormant desire I forgot I had to pursue a life of music. With the experience and exposure to a very musical group, it was as if my memories were unlocked. Of how I wanted to try out for the College of Music. Of how i wanted to try out for the Singing Ambassadors. But how, because of my desire to honor my parents, my energies were channeled to Medicine. Of how each segment of my life called me to music even if I left training early. My regrets that I didn't pursue Music because of the need to get high grades for Medicine.
3. I learned that I was wrong about myself in terms getting-to-know-new-people department. I always thought that as an introvert, i am closed to making new friends. However, this trip surprised me in that I believe I made new, quite different, and a very young set of friends. I suppose this is necessary given that old friendships are quite susceptible to the entropy of life.
4. Is it time to go back to that passion and give up medicine? The trip also opened my eyes about how my ear and intuition were spot-on. I was pleasantly surprised to note that my opinions about the performances and the pieces were valid for some part. This made me think of whether to pursue Music again since I had already given almost half of my life to patient care and medicine.
Little did I know, the answer would come a week later…in Bangkok.
At the height of separation anxiety, I didn't even have time to enjoy the win or wallow in Sepanx because i was scheduled to leave for the International Society of Hemodialysis in Bangkok, Thailand. This was my first, industry-sponsored international trip (of which i was not giving a lecture). I had qualms about going, especially since I was exhausted from the trip and a flu I had after, had no voice, had whooping cough, and had no time to even discover if I had friends going on the trip. As if that weren't enough, i was busy taking care of my condo (yes, that will be for another blog), enrolling for school and seeing patients (on the side). I just wanted to stop the amazing race!
But then, God is really good. Yes, He is really good, but then, HE IS REALLY GOOD. He must have felt my need for friends…and here they are….
and He must have felt my need for alone time and rest time…so here it was…
I had no room mate by a stroke of luck, and I didn't even have to pay extra!!! 😀😀😀😀😀
The trip was restful in that i got to listen to lectures, shop, nap at day, sleep at night, eat buffet. Yes, I do feel bad about not exercising, but i'll get back to that once back in Manila.
The idle time made me think if I really wanted to go on a career shift: Medicine to Music. Yes, i realize that music is my passion, especially when this moved me to tears…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwA5iFCAu_M
<iframe src="https://giphy.com/embed/ky1T32K1KHUSA" width="480" height="270" frameBorder="0" class="giphy-embed" allowFullScreen></iframe><p><a href="https://giphy.com/gifs/ky1T32K1KHUSA">via GIPHY</a></p>
It made me think about when i have done with my life, and what i would want to do.
It made me look back and see and experience the opportunities given to my by my other passion: Medicine. I got to travel the world, explore music, meet new people, make my deepest friends, help others, be myself - driven, empathic - and make money from this passion.
Though quiet and non-performing, it's comfortable. It can be very emotional when i lose a patient. However, medicine has given me a deeper appreciation for life, respect for death, love for family and value in relationships.
As such, weighing everything, I prayed this tonight, "Lord, as i prepare to go home, please guide my steps and lead me where i should go. Whatever path I am to take, open the doors and make the choices easy. Remove the choices meant to divert me from Your will. Thank you for my family and friends, new and old. Please let me realize that life is rarely about one thing or another, but what we make of it. Please provide me the opportunity to continue with Music and Medicine as You see fit. Amen."
So far, the answer that came to me is just to continue clinical practice, continue singing with Pansol Choir, finish my Graduate Studies in Physiology and then go into the College of Music after.
Let's see how this goes. In the meantime, thank you, Bali! Thank you, Bangkok! Thank you for leading me to the proper doors of decisions in life!
Thank God for the gift of Travel!
