Thursday, December 29, 2022

10-year dreams. 5-minute actions.

 where do i want to be in 10 years?

by then i will be 53.

i hope to work less in the day

leave the house by 9, and maybe come back at 3 pm.

is such a thing possible?


what can i do in the next five minutes to contribute to the outcome?

sell more stuff :D

invest more stuff?


oh my, wala akong goals :D


what do i want to create this new year?

more time to sleep

maybe make new small weekly adventures.


what do i want to let go of?

clutter. 

useless questions


habit that didnt stick:

nutrition change

reason it failed, oh man, i love to eat!

being phony, but i am phony every day ! :D

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

First World

 Since the pandemic has been officially declared as "over", or the new normal becoming normal, I have been invited to attend a conference in SG.  Excited to get back into the travelling groove and staying in the scientific traveling circle, I said yes.  I needed to interrupt the seeing of patient cycle.  I recall in my pre-pandemic life, traveling was a big part of it.  I have vague memories of being excited and exhausted and exhilirated at the thought of escaping...the patients!  Even for just a while.

As the travel date was drawing to a close, I had toxic patients.  Excited to leave, I found pure anxiety in endorsing the cases to friends.  However, I thought that this cannot be helped.  I needed to take breaks at times.  And it would be impossible to stay in Manila forever.  I had scary thoughts of what if i get monkey pox? covid?  What if my perfect exclusive school English no longer worked in the airport?  Where did my old courage for travel and nochalance go?  

Luckily, a few days prior to leaving, I got in touch with Veeeeds, a friend who resides in SG.  Incidentally, I told her that i would be leaving on August 10.  She excitedly asked if it would be possible for me to be in SG on August 9, since it is National Day and she had no plans of going home to Manila this time.

For the first time, I asked a favor from the Pharma, asking if they could rebook my flight date to two days earlier.  Travel agency number was given to me, and I messaged.  I was very pleasantly suprised to find that there would be no additional cost!  It was set!  Veeeeeds, the efficient host that she was, planned an IT for my coming, and I was excited.

On the day of the flight, I was so nervous regarding the EVERYTHING!  But i found, same as the previous local travels that I had, that everything had become more efficient after the pandemic.  Having the documents ready, there was not one question in the PAL area, the philippine immigration, SG immigration.

I had the grandest time, getting my salmon sandwich with coffee at cafe france and spending alone time.  The benefit of travelling alone was that I didn't have to do small talk, which I found is becoming more of an effort for me post pandemic.  I had conversations with my family online.  Paid bills online.  Got things done while waiting.



And for that three hour flight going to SG, i felt TOTALLY FREE.  there was no signal, all the patients were covered for and I could say I AM NOT IN MANILA!  All of a sudden, I remembered why I travelled a lot.

Upon arrival at SG, i bumped into a friend consultant and we had a great conversation about how the pandemic changed us, how we felt great to be alive, and how we were really one of the lucky ones.  Of course, the conversation was just done along the luggage carousel and not over breakfast.  How first world.  I had forgotten.



And what can I say.  When i arrived at Veeds flat after the long ride where I appreciated nature, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.  I was pampered!  We talked non stop.  She had an online meeting, and I listened in getting some work done.  (Okay fine, I am a workaholic!). We then went to the mall, ate chinese food with the most delicious garlic sauce, and talked a million words a minute.  Then we went home, walked around a bit more.

She had a call that night, and i listened in.

Then we went and bought food for dinner and ate food some more.  Salmon, fruit, seaweed!  Dutch waffle cookies! Stared in amazement at the chicken roasting while i ordered my very refreshing strawberry and banana shake!



I went to sleep a very happy person that night!

The premise for this visit was no tourist sites.  I wanted to see Veeeeds life and live it!

The next day, we left at 630 am, and took a walk.  And walked some more.  I saw the amazing sites, talked some more and walked around 25000 steps that day with no exhaustion!  Met Jen, Frans,Thale, Ivan, and their kids Ellie, Hanna and Liam.  And talked some more.  Had duck!



Then had tea.

Then walked some more.  the kids played soccer and i was amazed that the thale and ivan i was so scared of during residency were running and playing ball with their kids!  I really felt great and lucky and thankful!






And went to a spa where we ate buffet, jacuzzied, sauna-ed, massaged, and ate buffet some more!  It was so luxurious!  more chika!

Then went home... And talked some more.

It was grand.

And the conference has not even started yet!

It was a good thing that i was such in a great brain space.

Dahil may natanggap ako ng letter from BIR!

and dahil may mga news.

I love old friends.  No matter where we are, its as if we are transported back to the golden ages of our youth when we were nothings, even if we are currently somethings. :D

Thank you Veeds!  For pampering me, and for being a great friend and sister from another mother ! :D

Love love love!

We still have another adventure for tonight, so excited!


Wednesday, June 1, 2022

lighter

 lighter is my word for the year.

pertaining to my weight. i hope to become lighter

pertaining to my worries.  i hope to have less of them.

pertaining to my schedule.  i hope to have less activities i hate and more that are meaningful.

refocusing.  time to begin again.


Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Freeze Frame

 Today was such as incredible day.  The last 24 hours felt like I was living the life of Flash the super hero whose super power is to do things really fast.  Though quite uninteresting, I find myself wishing I had the same super power.  Not for the power or glory or honor.  (Are these lyrics to a song?).   But because there are so many, many tasks to be done!

I felt like i was awake since 6 am: yoga, strength training, clinic, answering emails, answering messages, attending to concerns of patients, concerns of the family business, doing rounds, teaching students, managing anger, sucking it up, while trying to silence the voices in my head.  I feel as though every time i look up from a task, an hour has passed by and I am running late.  Always late.

Is this the curse, the speeding hands on the clock face as we grow old?

At times like these, when I find myself coming home late despite starting things early, i know it is the time for the pruning to begin.  This is reexamination of the things that I am saying yes to, and letting go of the things that I REALLY don't want to do, but do anyway, either to please others, or because this is my younger self's version of success.  

More recently, though, I catch myself viewing my life in reverse fashion.  Not through the eyes of a 22 year old starting med school.  Or even a 27 year old starting residency.  

I now view myself, thinking through the eyes of myself on my death bed.  Would I be really excited remembering that I spent my time meeting with the father of hemoperfusion?  Would i really appreciate molding the minds of these seemingly hardened trainees whose ears seem to have thick skins and hard hearts due to the exhaustion of work?

The surprising answer is no.

I don't know when the change started, or when i began to favor the "easy life".  I guess the pandemic had a strong way of making me re examine what is truly important, or what I would probably want to remember when lying on my death bed. People I love.  Trips I took.  People I laughed with.  Patients and friends that I helped.  The long walks amidst the trees in the UP academic oval.  The wind against my face.  Things that make me happy.  Things that I don't need to worry about.

This question was more easily answered by a special phone call I made today.

While hurriedly checking my messages this morning, a viber notification came up.  My Mentor, the One that influenced me to become a nephrologist, The Doctor and Attending of my mother, was celebrating her birthday today.  Always remembering her influence in my life, I sent her a text message greeting her a happy birthday and thanking her for EVERYTHING through the years.

Sunsangnim, as I call her in in my K Drama Hospital Playlist Fantasy World, replied with a very cordial thank you, our first text message exchange in months.  I have not bumped into her a lot in the hospital.  I guess this is because she is in her 70s, and possibly winding down her medical career.  Out of inspiration, I replied to her: telling her how I was, how my application the University which she supported was faring, how I got a new invitation to another institution nearer my place, if i could get her recommendation letter, the fellows I was training and all that.

I was half expecting a PTN (para tapos na): Congratulations, just create a recommendation letter, print it with my name on it, and leave the letter with the other documents that needed her signature, yada yada yada.

Her reply greeted me with surprise: Let's talk about it when you're free.

In the middle of my rounds and writing in the chart, I took a pause and reread the message.

I replied: Yes Sunsangnim, will meet you at your convenient time.

The convenient time was now.  She said that I could call her.  In the middle of the nurse's station, charts and all, reminiscent of the 90s when we would call the sender during the pager era, I called her at home through the landline.

Deliciously unexpected, it was like being flashed back in time to when landlines were in, phone calls were long and free.  It was like half expected to be tortured during morning endorsements because she was a terror back then, but twilightzonely hearing a very. motherly voice that asked how I was.  And she really LISTENED.  Was it age?  Was it the slowness of being retired?  Or was she being how she really was? 

Nag Telebabad Kami.

We exchanged so many stories.  After digesting everything I said at length, she took a breath and very objectively gave her two cents based on her experience.  She then concluded with her own experience of an invite, feeling like a stranger, deciding to go where she was comfortable, choosing what she wanted, giving up what she didn't, prioritizing, and deciding who she was.

Which is exactly where I am now.

At the end of the call, I felt relieved, centered, and reminded of my true north.  Not the accolades, not the achievements.  But the quality of life, the time to do what i wished, to be just a fish in a small pond.  Simpleng Nephrologist, concentrating on other things, creating things, but moving on.  And not staying at one place for too long.  Not mixing with the toxicity that I didn't like.  Above all, not being forced to do the things I didn't want to do.  Being a quiet duck.

Maybe I thought I wanted the long patient lines, the awards, when I was in my 20s.

But now, imagining that I am in my 60s, I think what i want to have done in my 40s is to travel a bit.  Walk around under the trees.  Swim in the ocean with friends.  Laugh with friends.  Laugh AT people with friends.  Be free from the rigidity we were so trapped in during training and just do what makes us happy.

I don't want to be Flash, rushing to do things.  I want to be TAMAD.  Because I can afford to be.  I want to do medicine because I want to, not because I have to.

What a day.  I would just like to freeze frame it so that I won't forget what I thought of today.


Saturday, April 2, 2022

5 Minutes a Day

 (Alexa, set timer for 5 minutes!)

Two weeks back, i could feel myself beginning to sink into the all too familiar pit of doom and darkness.  Life patterns have generally taught me that sinking into sadness is not necessarily i recognize in my brain, but my actions.  I begin to sleep more, get headaches, feel that dark cloud looming over my head, or get this feeling of DREAD for everything and nothing.  Contrary to the previous falls into this pit of doom, I could find no impetus that pushed me to it.  Probably, it is just the monotony of life.  Or the pandemic exhaustion.  I could not tell what it is.  As such, it was all the more too difficult to acutely solve one thing.

When I fall into this pattern of behavior, I know too well that the antidote is ACTION, more than introspection.  This is especially because I am really an introspective person, but too much introspection can be a shovel that pushes me further into the pit of doom.  I then launch into actions that I know would help me feel better with repetition: not take on more tasks, sleep early, call friends, meet friends, exercise, light scented candles.  Even if I don't want to.

One of the go to's I have is my special bestie "girl friend SAFM".  He has been really being very supportive, meeting me once a week for two weeks in a row now, while we commiserate about the agonies of life, accept the ebbing and flowing of these feelings, recall the times when i did say "I am in a good place!", remind ourselves that the good place will somehow find its way back into our daily lives, and that when we do, we still have the poor sense of falling back to the pit.  Cycle repeats.

But in a comforting way, SAFM mutters, "at least walang nag kakasakit."  And he is right.  

In the meantime, until I reach this proverbial good place again, this exchange between us has been happening over and over when we gobble up our paella with chorizo, calamares rebosado, croquetas and bread dolloped with olive oil and tomato salsa topped with manchego cheese, and drink our sangria and apple cider, while opening his box of a newly purchased red and yellow batman 7 inch action figure.

"Hindi ka ba nalulungkot?"

"Nalulungkot!"

"So anong ginagawa mo pag nalulungkot ka?"

"Write!"

So here I am, as per SAFM's recommendation, writing.

I now add into my "get out of my depression pit action list" the act of writing five minutes a day.

(Alexa Alarms: 5 minutes done!)

Here we go.