For the last week, I wasn’t able to journal
much. I was toxic, pre occupied with
things , not able to sleep well, watching a lot of videos and concerning myself
over what other people thought of me. There were family stressors, work
stressors and I believe I was overwhelmed.
Time and again, I note that when these
things happen, I lose sleep. I eat really negatively and my impulse control at
being nice is at an all time low. It is
a contradiction that I think that being happy allows us the freedon to do what
we want to do, but time and again, I have noted that I am at my happieset when
things are regimented. This is when I
wake up and sleep at the same time each day, when I set goals to do and get to
do it, when I watch what I eat and when I get to exercise at least 30 minutes a
day, with a set of mindfulness in the morning.
Counter intuitive isn’t it.
And this is the this is the time it is easy
to be grateful.
Today was a very busy morning. At 9 am,, I have already had an online
meeting, had a meeting with architects, set the budget out, paid bills. On the way to the clinic to see patients and
to work.
This is why i am taking time out in the car
to write out thoughts. Golden
thoughts. Thoughts that sometimes pass
me by and disappear without me being able to write them down and save them and protect them.
Yes, in the car. (yes, the joys of
having a driver!)
I laughed out loud remembering an incident
at rehearsal yesterday when there was a dare for the choir members to treat
the others out to dinner if a person made a mistake. We
took a deep breath and prepared to start the first bars of the song. Unang pasok pa lang, mali na ang
tenors!~ but the funny thing was my
favorite kindred spirit of mine. Woody.
Woody realized that there was something wrong, his very transparent face
showed it. And then he tried to keep it
quiet and secret. But my ears had
already heard the error, my eyes had already seen his face. As such, I wasn’t able to hold my tongue when
the old me (editing machine off) shouted, “ tenors, mali! kulang, butas!”
To my relief everyone laughed. It was mortiying for me to be so unedited (my
old self) but I was happy it elicited a happy reaction.
Another thing was that at Mass, there was a cute
kid who was trying to pick up a pillow but inadvertenly dropped all the pillows
behind him. He was so cute, and I don’t
know why it struck me as funny, but I had a laughing fit for almost a quarter
of the Mass with tears in my eyes.
It feels so good to laugh!
So today, with much of the requirements out
of the way, I aim to go back to my zen self.
To follow routine but have a few laughs in between. My current
challenge is my food intake, and consistency in exercise, but I guess the battle plan for my obliging self is just to do yummy diets next week.
And to let go. What others think of me is something that I
cannot control and is not important.
What is important is what i think of myself and that I am trying always to
be my truer self that is better.
