Free versus Regimented

For the last week, I wasn’t able to journal much.  I was toxic, pre occupied with things , not able to sleep well, watching a lot of videos and concerning myself over what other people thought of me. There were family stressors, work stressors and I believe I was overwhelmed.

Time and again, I note that when these things happen, I lose sleep. I eat really negatively and my impulse control at being nice is at an all time low.  It is a contradiction that I think that being happy allows us the freedon to do what we want to do, but time and again, I have noted that I am at my happieset when things are regimented.  This is when I wake up and sleep at the same time each day, when I set goals to do and get to do it, when I watch what I eat and when I get to exercise at least 30 minutes a day, with a set of mindfulness in the morning.  Counter intuitive isn’t it.

And this is the this is the time it is easy to be grateful.

Today was a very busy morning.  At 9 am,, I have already had an online meeting, had a meeting with architects, set the budget out, paid bills.  On the way to the clinic to see patients and to work.

This is why i am taking time out in the car to write out thoughts.  Golden thoughts.  Thoughts that sometimes pass me by and disappear without me being able to write them down and save them and protect them. Yes, in the car.  (yes, the joys of having a driver!)

I laughed out loud remembering an incident at rehearsal yesterday when there was a dare for the choir members to treat the others out to dinner if a person made a mistake.  We took a deep breath and prepared to start the first bars of the song.  Unang pasok pa lang, mali na ang tenors!~  but the funny thing was my favorite kindred spirit of mine. Woody.  Woody realized that there was something wrong, his very transparent face showed it.  And then he tried to keep it quiet and secret.  But my ears had already heard the error, my eyes had already seen his face.  As such, I wasn’t able to hold my tongue when the old me (editing machine off) shouted, “ tenors, mali!  kulang, butas!”

To my relief everyone laughed.  It was mortiying for me to be so unedited (my old self) but I was happy it elicited a happy reaction.

Another thing was that at Mass, there was a cute kid who was trying to pick up a pillow but inadvertenly dropped all the pillows behind him.  He was so cute, and I don’t know why it struck me as funny, but I had a laughing fit for almost a quarter of the Mass with tears in my eyes.

It feels so good to laugh!

So today, with much of the requirements out of the way, I aim to go back to my zen self.  To follow routine but have a few laughs in between.  My current challenge is my food intake, and consistency in exercise, but I guess the battle plan for my obliging self is just to do yummy diets next week.

And to let go.  What others think of me is something that I cannot control and is not important.  What is important is what i think of myself and that I am trying always to be my truer self that is better.