Silver Lining in Every Dark Cloud

These days, I don't know what it is exactly.

I have been a bit depressed.  I know it because of the time i spend in bed, or the feeling that i cant get out of bed, or the feeling that i am drowning and cannot breathe.  it was particularly true yesterday when i didn't do any thing that i liked and got up at 12 noon.  on a work day.

i had to force myself to go to work because my phone was ringing with calls and texts that i had to see patients.   i missed a conference i said that i would attend and i skipped two clinics.

i just wrote this because i didn't what to forget this mental picture.

in the peak of my sadness, i paid a visit to an old patient of mine who was admitted in the charity service.  at times, i just paid her a visit to uplift her spirits.  i passed by to say that i was going to be on leave for two weeks, due to a family trip.

She smiled.  

Beside her, was another lola patient, with difficulty of breathing hooked to oxygen support and seated on tripod position.  in the middle of difficulty breaths, she had a big smile and looked at me with bright eyes, with a cheery "Have a happy trip doktora!"

i felt ashamed of myself, in some way.  i felt touched.  i felt tears come to my eyes.

i put on my best smile, looked at her and said, "Mommy, sama ka sa akin!"  Maybe i would need her good cheer, her optimism and that light in her eyes on this trip.

i know that each struggle is real, as well as mine was, but she made me remember that life is tough all over.  And it was tough for her, but she smiled.  And smiling was her choice.  As it can be mine.

that picture of that mommy is burnt through my brain in and heart.  but i write it today because i don't want to forget.

it is during these days that i am thankful that i am a doctor.  because of what the patients give to me.  it is more than what i give to them.

Mari Kondo-ing my life in 2019

we always lose someone to depression and mental illness. in fear of this, i found myself messaging my close friends that a cup of coffee and a laughter bout may be just what we need when the though of losing to depression hits us.

while talking about the topic to a dear friend, i had these reflections which were an outpouring of my thoughts and feelings. the words were to good not to immortalize so here goes:

I understand the scatterbrainness, well, maybe to a certain extent. I think I can never really imagine being a parent since i am not a parent to many cute and needy babies! however, each person has their own version of this neediness: pets, work, aging parents, dying patients, differently abled family members. There is indeed a segment of the day which is like quick sand or when it's so difficult to breathe because of sooooo many thiiiiiings!

When confused, I try to read a bit of the bible and call friends and rant. (Every day kami nag tatawagan ng friends to rant). Rant ka lang minsan when you need.

operation dagdag bawas lang PRN.

Ang hirap dahil ang layo ng mga tao, but we must take advantage of what technology has to offer. Kanina nga, I called up another friend, with our matching ranting session and promise that I would visit her if i would happen to be in her area. (with matching though bubble in my head, kailan kaya yun? ). We really must make time.

Its really easy to feel negligent because we are doing so many things and are so busy. Bawas tayo ng bawas ng ginagawa, but inertia really puts a lot of things in our plate, a lot of things that we really don’t want to do. But at least, we have our friends who push us in the mindfulness direction, those friends who ask the difficult question:
bakit mo ba ginagawa yan? ...those who help us to fight to take away which is useless. It’s a daily effort, I now find.

Don’t worry, kahit ako, iniisip ko, itong ______ (insert hated and dreaded task in this blank) na lang na ito tapos tapos na. Hahahahahahah. Pero hindi natatapos. however, there is that hope that we move on to more things...maybe more complicated things...but at least there is a promise of more things that we will grow into and give us joy.

A wise friend also told me....the Beauty of clutter is that they are things and things are finite. Mauubos din sila. (sana, totoo din ito for limville!)

A wise friend always tells me: The best is yet to come.

i share these thoughts with special people who help me each time kahit malayo kayo, and are so patient amidst all the many many things we have to do: Marivic Lim Pingol Monalisa Lim-Dungca Mitzi Mangaser RegalaArlene Afaga Cha-cha Geronimo Van Derick Mangulabnan Mae Quintal Quetua Dianne Aguila JuanPaolo Dela Cruz Lagunzad Aromaz AllyrosTherese Eileen LN Will Liangco Diana Tamondong-Lachica Will LiangcoEliza Mia Dejoras

go go go!

here is to a more intentional 2019. may we Mari Kondo our life: keep only the things that spark joy!