uncomplicated

would like to quote kiddo cosio.  his post rocked my life.  thanks!

UNCOMPLICATED

 

And he sent them… – Luke 9:2

 

       “Father, do you think I should become a priest?” I asked my friend, a priest.

       “Do you want to become a priest?” he asked in reply.

       “No,” I said, “I just thought that I should become one.” I was 21 and doing full-time ministry work as a preacher and pastor of sorts. Priesthood seemed a logical option. “Actually,” I continued, “I want to get married.”

       “Then get married,” he told me. “If God calls you to a vocation, He will put the desire in you.”

       That conversation set me at ease. I never truly understood what religious people meant when they talked about calling, vocation, or having a vision for your life. It felt so pie-in-the-sky, as though God didn’t want most people to know His will.

       But when I heard my priest friend say the word “desire,” I felt a weight come off my shoulders. Desire was simple. I knew exactly what I desired: to be a husband, a father, a creator, a fun-loving, people person. Now, many years later, I am married with two kids. I help run a startup business, and spend a lot of time moving about a growing circle of friends. I serve God by trying to live an exemplary life in these places — and let my life speak for itself. It wasn’t so complicated after all. Kiddo Cosio (twitter.com/kiddocosio)

 

Reflection: Christian theologian and author Frederick Buechner once said, “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” Think about that.

 

Dear God, please help me live out Your call for my life.

chief complaint and end point

I am now trying to explore my new mac.  In the busy-ness of the day. 

Today I was up from 730 am tending to so many items on my to do list.  First order of business was fixing the pay roll of the house staff.  I then cancelled clinic first thing in the morning as the patients were late and headed straight on to the hospital.  I was rushing to do this and that, see this and that patient, attended a conference, attended to patient with chills, answered phone calls.  During the conference, my patience was tested because I felt that the resident physicians weren’t managing the case to par.  I was so frustrated.  First time I was frustrated actually.  I usually laugh the whole thing off and accept that this is why the things are the way they are.  But today, I couldn’t wrap myself around the idea.  There were so many competencies I so believed that people should be getting but they weren’t.  like referring to a cardiologist a patient who is bradycardic with a heart rate of 37 at that.  37!  And I was just in the middle of everything.  And in the middle of everything, I asked my mentor if this was really something I should accept or struggle to change in order to meet the standard.  She accepted mediocrity 25 years ago.  Go figure.

 Before I knew it, I was driven out of the conference because I had to rush again and go see a patient.  I scooted to my clinic and there was the doctor before me who was over time-ing again.  Man, I was guilty of that myself in the other clinic but for this physician to do this consistently.  But for whatever it was worth, I just smiled, stepped inside and quickly saw the patient, tried my best to appear unhurried to the patient and then give her a quick peck on the cheek.  She was a lola.  As I stepped out, I hurriedly collected my 500 pesos for checking on her blood sugar.  And again rushed to east avenue where there were hordes of more patients looking for me.  And doled out P1200 for blood cultures of a patient with recurrent chills.  Negative earning for today.  Again. 

Another resident was there wanting my input, so I provided it and left.  Feeling that I provided by godly duty to the patient to somehow try to make her life better.  By the way, the most valuable thing I did for the patient was to check her blood sugar which came out as 7 mmol per dl.  Lowest I ever saw in my life.  No wonder she was not reacting.   The patient I mean, not the resident.

After that, I rushed to two dialysis units which were quite opposites as far as opposites would get.  I buried myself in policies, emails, professional fees.  As if it weren’t enough, after calling on all friends asking how they did it….I got a pay referral.  From another charity hospital.  And I went.  And saw the patient.  And hurried home.

All throughout the day, I was thinking…why was I running this amazing race?  What for?  Or should I give it up?

Call it a hodge podge day.   

I reflect now. on end point.  the concepts of chief complaint and end point were the two most important concepts I learned in internal medicine.  Quite useful in life.

Amidst all the hodge podge, the amazing race, the mess, the chaos.

What is my chief complaint now?  What is my endpoint?

Pause.  Sinus pause.  Or maybe second degree AV block.  with a dropped beat.

Chief complaint: everything is too fast.  Too fast that I miss my friends.

End point:

1. Doctoring everyday.  Check.
2. Being less busy.  Hm.  I have to decide my priorities.  
3. social life.   

let's work on this, shall we?

when my world rocked

on life review, i believe i was in a good place.

i was comfortable.  going to a lot of events.  seeing friends.  sleeping less, yes.  maybe not enough.

i was setting goals.  but i was all over the place.  heck, this was okay.  besides, i was living a one track life for the longest time.  and now, i could afford to be all over the place.  stress is okay.  go lang!

or that's what i thought.

until that fateful monday morning.

the day before, i just came from my brother's birthday celebration with him and my dad.  we celebrated it with a baptismal of an extended family friend/relative in tramway restaurant.  first time eat there.  i was excited to get all the sushi i wanted.  i was exposed to the loudest noise.  making chika with all the people and trying to keep the peace.  i was so friggin' tired.

i attended church service but was so tired a fell asleep during the prayer meeting.

on going home, i was excited to sleep because i had the fullest day the next day.

until i woke up with a start at 530 am the next day.

i literally thought i was having a stroke.  the world was spinning, the light bulbs were jumping up and down.  i knew i was having nystagmus and was just waiting for my eyes to exhaust moving themselves.  they wouldn't.  i closed my eyes and opened them again and the nystagmus was still there.  

my thoughts were:

1.  oh my god, ayaw ko pa mamatay!

2.  pano si ate, wala nang tutulong sa kanya!

no, my life did not flash before my eyes, but in those seconds, i realized what was important to me.  my family.

but then the doctor in me kicked in.  i tried my best amidst the panic to remember the remnants of ORL and neuro lectures that were left in the vestiges of my brain (from 8 years ago!) and i finally got enough sense to focus on a point.  i was probably having vertigo.  BPPV.  BENIGN, PAROXYSMAL, positional vertigo.  but nothing felt benign or paroxysmal about it.  it felt like punishment from hell and it hardly felt benign.  i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  well, baka pwede kay Osama Bin Ladin.  

to make matters worse, i had to do my morning pee.  i had to hold on to the walls in pure Sadako fashion to reach the toilet bowl.  and when i had to pee, i was confused whether to pee or vomit first.  talk about the frustration of not being in control of yourself.  it was the most debilitated i had ever felt in my life.  more than when i busted my knee as i sand-surfed in ilocos.  and i thought THAT was major.

as i was basking in my dizziness, i mustered will power (and vestibular power!) to text my floor mate ORL consultant to consult (at 530 am!  sorry sir!), to cancel all my clinics and to notify the HD unit of my absences.  i cancelled everything.  i took a leave from my commitments.  the saddest part was i had a tagaytay trip that was due the next day, i had to cancel that as well.  i called my sister to visit me and at least assess what was going on.  she did her spot neuro exam and said...see a neurologist.  she bought me serc which i took and lessened my symptoms.

grabe.  before, i used to just judge the patients who said they had vertigo as maarte.  until i had it myself.  i never believed in serc.  this is because i used to be the person who could ride ANY roller coaster, ANY boat, ANY plane with NO complaints.  and then i had an attack myself.

and i slept the entire day.  i tried to set appointments with my neuro consultants, but they cancelled clinics that day.  apparently, they were sick as well.  (neurologists are such rare commodities!)  so, i went to my clinic at 6 pm, walking behind our household help, unable to walk straight, like a !~@#$%^& drunkard (who never even had the chance to sip alcohol).  upon arriving at my ORL's clinic, he was still en route.  i rushed to my clinic to lie down on my clinic bed (which i realized was soooo high so i stood on my examination chair to lie down on it) and smell the new lavender scent that my secretary put it to mask the smell of paint.

then my hero doctor came in.  he did the dix hallpike move (oh yes, i vaguely remember that name!) and i said, "sir, nasusuka na ako."  and he said, "pigilin mo".  few more head maneuvers.  and i said, "sir, nasusuka na talaga ako." and then it happened.  i barfed.  pure embarrassment. PURE.  i would have laughed everything off if i could have.  but i was toooooo dizzy!

to cut the long story short, i was unable to complete the maneuver needed to replace my otoliths (google, anak, google) to their proper place.  as per my doctor's advice, i just looked it up on you tube the next day and did it to myself.  i took his meds.  which eventually cured me.  as a sign of my gratefulness, i gave the hugest basket to my ORL.  i would have given him the world if i could affort it!  (thanks sir!)

why am i blogging about this after a two month absence?

because never in my life do i want other BPPV patients to be judged.

and because after the event, i AM intent on keeping the zen in me. 

i AM intent on not spreading myself to thinly.

i AM intent on keeping goals that are important to me.

and i need to remember how this feels.

bawal ang stress.