when my world rocked

on life review, i believe i was in a good place.

i was comfortable.  going to a lot of events.  seeing friends.  sleeping less, yes.  maybe not enough.

i was setting goals.  but i was all over the place.  heck, this was okay.  besides, i was living a one track life for the longest time.  and now, i could afford to be all over the place.  stress is okay.  go lang!

or that's what i thought.

until that fateful monday morning.

the day before, i just came from my brother's birthday celebration with him and my dad.  we celebrated it with a baptismal of an extended family friend/relative in tramway restaurant.  first time eat there.  i was excited to get all the sushi i wanted.  i was exposed to the loudest noise.  making chika with all the people and trying to keep the peace.  i was so friggin' tired.

i attended church service but was so tired a fell asleep during the prayer meeting.

on going home, i was excited to sleep because i had the fullest day the next day.

until i woke up with a start at 530 am the next day.

i literally thought i was having a stroke.  the world was spinning, the light bulbs were jumping up and down.  i knew i was having nystagmus and was just waiting for my eyes to exhaust moving themselves.  they wouldn't.  i closed my eyes and opened them again and the nystagmus was still there.  

my thoughts were:

1.  oh my god, ayaw ko pa mamatay!

2.  pano si ate, wala nang tutulong sa kanya!

no, my life did not flash before my eyes, but in those seconds, i realized what was important to me.  my family.

but then the doctor in me kicked in.  i tried my best amidst the panic to remember the remnants of ORL and neuro lectures that were left in the vestiges of my brain (from 8 years ago!) and i finally got enough sense to focus on a point.  i was probably having vertigo.  BPPV.  BENIGN, PAROXYSMAL, positional vertigo.  but nothing felt benign or paroxysmal about it.  it felt like punishment from hell and it hardly felt benign.  i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  well, baka pwede kay Osama Bin Ladin.  

to make matters worse, i had to do my morning pee.  i had to hold on to the walls in pure Sadako fashion to reach the toilet bowl.  and when i had to pee, i was confused whether to pee or vomit first.  talk about the frustration of not being in control of yourself.  it was the most debilitated i had ever felt in my life.  more than when i busted my knee as i sand-surfed in ilocos.  and i thought THAT was major.

as i was basking in my dizziness, i mustered will power (and vestibular power!) to text my floor mate ORL consultant to consult (at 530 am!  sorry sir!), to cancel all my clinics and to notify the HD unit of my absences.  i cancelled everything.  i took a leave from my commitments.  the saddest part was i had a tagaytay trip that was due the next day, i had to cancel that as well.  i called my sister to visit me and at least assess what was going on.  she did her spot neuro exam and said...see a neurologist.  she bought me serc which i took and lessened my symptoms.

grabe.  before, i used to just judge the patients who said they had vertigo as maarte.  until i had it myself.  i never believed in serc.  this is because i used to be the person who could ride ANY roller coaster, ANY boat, ANY plane with NO complaints.  and then i had an attack myself.

and i slept the entire day.  i tried to set appointments with my neuro consultants, but they cancelled clinics that day.  apparently, they were sick as well.  (neurologists are such rare commodities!)  so, i went to my clinic at 6 pm, walking behind our household help, unable to walk straight, like a !~@#$%^& drunkard (who never even had the chance to sip alcohol).  upon arriving at my ORL's clinic, he was still en route.  i rushed to my clinic to lie down on my clinic bed (which i realized was soooo high so i stood on my examination chair to lie down on it) and smell the new lavender scent that my secretary put it to mask the smell of paint.

then my hero doctor came in.  he did the dix hallpike move (oh yes, i vaguely remember that name!) and i said, "sir, nasusuka na ako."  and he said, "pigilin mo".  few more head maneuvers.  and i said, "sir, nasusuka na talaga ako." and then it happened.  i barfed.  pure embarrassment. PURE.  i would have laughed everything off if i could have.  but i was toooooo dizzy!

to cut the long story short, i was unable to complete the maneuver needed to replace my otoliths (google, anak, google) to their proper place.  as per my doctor's advice, i just looked it up on you tube the next day and did it to myself.  i took his meds.  which eventually cured me.  as a sign of my gratefulness, i gave the hugest basket to my ORL.  i would have given him the world if i could affort it!  (thanks sir!)

why am i blogging about this after a two month absence?

because never in my life do i want other BPPV patients to be judged.

and because after the event, i AM intent on keeping the zen in me. 

i AM intent on not spreading myself to thinly.

i AM intent on keeping goals that are important to me.

and i need to remember how this feels.

bawal ang stress.