Psychiatric Coffee

Many times throughout my medical training career, i almost threw in the towel.  i always thought that things were to hard, that i was giving up too much of life being stuck in training.  too many times, i wanted to quit, but my sister would often say, “just finish this segment (med school, internship, residency, fellowship) and then decide later.”  the finish line kept on moving away, but i kept on.  Until i did finish the final finish line.

i am glad i did.  fast forward to today, every day, i thank god that he made it possible for me to be a doctor.

i distinctly remember during one time of craziness in training that talked to my friend.  let us call this friend God.  i talked to God and told him, “i think i am going crazy.  do you think i need to see a shrink?”  he then replied, “smoketh, if you are just going to spend thousands of bucks seeing a shrink, save your money and just invite me for coffee instead.  it’ll end up cheaper.  and no, you are not going crazy.”

this line made me hold on and finish med school and keep on. little did i know that i built the habit that would keep me sane more now that it ever did during training.  little did i know that i would need these little coffee breaks when i stepped out into the real world.  where there would be no beginnings and endings.  just one big marathon.  or amazing race.  when one day would finish and another would start…and things would just keep on coming.   this is it.  pansit. 

every time nowadays that i feel that i am going crazy, i just remember what god said.  i would look for a friend to have coffee / dinner / lunch with and talk out the craziness i have.  more often that not, i would find that the friend would also have his bit of craziness to share.  and we would get out of the conversation or the meet-up more adjusted given that we were able to air out our issues.

this is why, i realized, that we are more prone to craziness nowadays.  even if med school and training was much more bleak (no money, no time, no love life and servanthood at its highest level), it was made more bearable because we lived the saying “misery loves company.”  thank the high heavens, today i found reprieve from this craziness because of the friends god tossed my way today.

thank god for sun cellular.  i got the chance to have a long chat with special agent Fox Mulder, Nephro Incognito and Pseudomoney Arosinosa.  we laughed our hearts out at the mundane-ext things, chatting during the long hours of traffic and waiting, wondering why things were the way they were, why we would think the same while others just don’t get it and punctuate everything with laughter when nothing else made sense.

thank god for facebook, we got to selfie for the independence day special of Pope Heir of All during our shortest chance meetings while rounding in the hospital.

thank god for lunches and dinners with First Grader and Twin Terrace of the past, where we could just chat about our most private and embarrassing thoughts (and confessions) and laugh out at our evil (and dirty) thoughts and not worry that we would we judged by each other (judgemental that we are).  And binge on great food while all this is going on.  (kebs na ang diet).

life i guess is about keeping on.  and keeping on when you feel the need to throw in the towel.  life is about taking the challenges one thing at a time.  because there will always be challenges.  because there will always be evolution of life situations.  things will never be the same.  life is still hoping that maybe, i am one day closer to my dream.  that in the meantime, the journey also has its moments and can be fun.  that in the meantime, even if it is not fun, there are friends who can turn the darkest of days into the funniest moments so that you can keep on.

thank you god for handing me those friends in abundance today.  

contrary to what i often think, i am not alone.  i guess i just have to look extra harder, make that extra effort to have that cup of coffee instead of the shrink consult.  because maybe, more that getting help for myself, i find that the cup of coffee, the dinner, and maybe the occasional LUR is something that friends help each other with. :)

Purging Heavy Feelings in my Heart

Today is the first monday i have with no school.  i was so tired yesterday, i guess of emotional issues that i just slept and thought i would sleep in today, excitedly doing so because i didn't have class.  before, sleeping in used to feel so good.

now as i awaken, i didn’t feel good.  i felt that the time passed me by.  its already 10 am and i have not accomplished anything.  however, i think to myself, the day is still young and i can do a lot more.

i missed the opportunity to do early plana with a friend because i woke up late.

i missed the chance to pass my requirement today in manila because i woke up late.

i now turn to writing to once again rechannel and refocus what to do.  loss of a routine makes me feel confused as today does because i didn’t plan what to do today.

i guess i feel so tired and dejected because of home issues.  i realize that the home issues when you are back from training and living a real life will never go away.  things will always have to be done. there will not be any shifting out from the rotation modes when everything will be brand new.

last week, i feel my energy being sapped by family issues (parents growing old is indeed a real thing), illnesses, icu patients that draw strength from you, friends who are unavailable, not by choice, but because of their dealings with their own busy-ness.  i guess that is where the word business comes from.

when you do meet, it is always as if time together isn’t enough or you are always in a rush to proceed to the next concern.

i don’t remember when it became like this.  but it really became more marked as practice grew.  yes, the revenue did grow, but the time became so precious that you would have to decide how to spend it.  i guess that is why i feel a little guilty about sleeping in.  TUMPAK!

To often in life, i find that you have to reflect on your emotional why and just limit activities to that in order to streamline oneself and stress less.

what is my emotional why nowadays?

checking in with god.  and myself.  check.

relationships.  family.  friends.  okay, this is a bit of a problem.  friends, help me out here?  hopefully one day to have a family.  (oh lord, please let this be one day soon) 

manggamot.  okay.

become more healthy.  plana and yummy diets!

four items on the list.  I guess this is doable. 

let us do it!

resolve: to wake up early.  hence….i should sleep early. :)

there is really something to be said about writing as a release.  i feel better already. ;0)