Questions Coming Home

Exchanging a conversation with my friend’s husband, he shares that the saddest time he has is when he is in on the plane.  In those hours on flight, he feels that he doesn’t belong anywhere.  Yes, he came from the Philippines, has black hair and black eyes, speaks Filipino, but his family is all in Sydney.  His wife and son, who he feels is part of him, have a new life in Sydney where they are among Caucasians who call jacket jumper and hats beannies. 

Asking him to elaborate why he felt as if he never belonged anywhere, he said that when he comes home to the Philippines, he often feels harried when he meets up with friends back home.  He feels like he isn’t really at home because the Philippines becomes a vacation spot.  People are entertaining him.  When he is with friends they are all in a hurry because time is lacking and people are just catching up.

My brain flickered in recognition at this situation.  Despite the fact that I have lived and worked in the Philippines all my life, I see this in my day to day events too.  It may not be as extreme as going to another country, but it is true when I go to another city or another town when I meet friends who have moved to where they are. 

And then I pose this question to him:  Is this really a function of being at home or a function of age?

I don’t have an answer.

Another question I always get upon leaving a country is, “Don’t you have any plans of moving here?  Life is so good here.  Ang gulo gulo sa Pilipinas!  Baka makahanap ka ng asawa dito.” 

With this question, I have an answer, but I don’t know if I have sufficient explanation.

The thought of living in another country for good makes my skin crawl.  And not in a good way.  

Yes, if the situation would call for it, I know I can adjust.  My entire life being the middle child has been all about adjusting.   Yes, living overseas presents itself (very temptingly) with less traffic, a better transportation system and bigger pay.  There are luxuries like a washer-drier, a dish-washer, a temperature with less bugs, strawberries, blueberries, and jobs for everyone.  Particularly in Australia,  the people were very kind and family oriented.  Life is quite laid back and everyone I saw seems to be genuinely interested in helping others.

I come to the conclusion that this place of goodness comes from lack of want.  For instance,  a lady left her phone in a train, and no one even thought of getting it or stealing it because everyone had a phone and they just returned it to the authorities.

In the bed and breakfast where I stayed, everything was still in pristine condition.  Everyone who stayed wanted to keep the place nice.  They cleaned up after eating, and every thing was put back in its proper order.  No guest got an extra slice of bread from the pantry or stole rolls of toilet paper even if the cupboard was filled with them.

Everything seems better and approaches perfect.

Then why is it that I can’t go to this new and better place with a “better possibility” (or so they say) of making a happy family of my own and not being a cougar? ;) (this story for another entry!)

The sad, or maybe happy part, is there is something in every cell of my body that still wants to help the Philippines.  I am a Filipino.  I would just like work with the system, contend with the traffic, be with and relish the extended family system, eat a lot of mangoes, treat the black-eyed and black-haired person who may not have money to pay, laugh out loud, maybe deal with trash all over.  I take it all.  It seems to be grosser, more crass, more terrible.  But these conditions don’t make me uneasy or don’t make my skin crawl.

Maybe it’s because my dad and brother will never uproot themselves from this country, and I feel that I am enmeshed with them.  Maybe its because there is no pressing reason to leave (example, family abroad).  Maybe its because I love being a princess with helpers to tend to me. 

I don’t know if this explanation is sufficient or enough.  But it is what is.

So given that the conclusion that I will stay in the Philippines for now, what is the struggle?

The struggle is every time I leave, I feel a twinge of sadness and a wave of jealousy.  Why doesn’t the Philippines have water and tissue in every toilet?  Why are there beggars in the street?  Why do many people want more for themselves and less for the other?  Why is it always a competition for more resources.  And the answer I always find is that many of the people are coming from a place of want.   And there is this perceived lack of money.

The struggle is that when I go to the zoo in Sydney, I don’t just see the animals, and think “they are terrific!”  I ask myself many layers of questions.  Why is it that the zoos in the Philippines look as if they are meant to entertain the people instead of educating the kids?  Why is it that the people who tend the zoos are looked down upon compared to the professionals when probably zoo-keeping isn’t less of a job?  Why are the animals treated as animals and not afforded the rights?

When I walk ride a train, I don’t just think, “wow, this train is nice!”  I ask myself the questions:  Why can’t we get trains like these?  Why aren’t there enough trains?  Why do our trains get broken easily?  Why do people not give up their seat for the vulnerable population.

When I see my friends with their new, and nice lives, I ask, “Aren’t you really ever coming home ever?  Are you really staying here in this new country?”  I have to content myself with seeing them happy and with a good life, and thinking “it’s a good thing that travelling is more accessible these days and I have the capability to do so.”

The struggle is I always ask, “Is this impossible for the Philippines that the Filipinos feel that the only way out is to move to another country?”

I may not be that youthful anymore, but inside me, I feel that I can’t let the hope in me die that maybe, in my lifetime, or in the next, there is hope that the things first world countries consider basic would one day be basic for us as well.  That the place of want wouldn’t be as big for each person so that we can work together to improve our country.

I don’t want to feel as if I have given up on the Philippines.

Maybe this is why despite all the questions, I still choose to stay.