when the dream becomes: to have time for myself

one week ago, the unthinkable happened to me.

one of my most ultimate idol-nephrologist asked me to cover for her for a weekend.  three days to be exact.

and i had a glimpse of the life of the successful nephrologist.  what a lot of doctors (i think) would aspire to become.

it was three days of a fast turn over of patients, rounds on rounds, patients on patients, calls on calls.  it was 72 hours of pure sympathy and empathy for the patients and the families who were in critical condition, the bargaining with fate regarding the outcomes of the patients, the constant second guessing of oneself regarding the management of the patients.

though the monetary reward was increased, though this was the thing i worked for, i realized that maybe this was not what i wanted.

yes, i wanted to help the sick, make them feel better, be kind and compassionate.

but there is a sheer volume of it that becomes difficult or maybe intolerable.  there is a point when you give too much of yourself and then you have nothing left to give.

i remember 7 years back, in another but no less truer context, someone told me that i should always leave something for myself.  and he was right.

this is manifested itself because by sunday i was in tears while running around trying to catch up with all the patients.  by friday night, i was down and sick with a bad flu.

i had (lucky) thirteen in-patients, the highest census i every had in my entire life.  i thought i wanted this.

but by the end of that run, i found myself screaming for me and alone time.

by wednesday, i found myself saying no to all my commitments and engagements: i was absent from choir practice, i turned down meeting out with friends, round table discussions and even the gym.  i was in a constant rush to get home as quickly as possible.  in the car en route to my different clinical rounds, i found myself catching up on sleep and having no verbal output as if to conserve energy.

i found myself excited to come home early, have dinner, spend time with my family, get a massage and watch movies streaming online.  you know, the pointlless stuff.  and yes, i did finish the three star trek reboot movies via 123 movies.com, as recommended by my brother.

but i realize now, that it was not pointless.  i find myself recovering today.  i had breakfast with a really valued girlfriend, queen bee, reminiscing about old times and finding that we both wanted that time for ourselves.  however, as life is, this is not be be so at all times.  hence, careful planning of vacations, staycations, or whatever -caytions becomes necessary.  "ah, kaya pala laging out of town ang mga consultants natin before!"   we got it.  it dawned upon me that we are not really after accomplishing that dress-shopping or the movie-marathon completion.  what we really want is the freedom to breathe when so many other people demand so much of our time and energy.

to further drive home the point, after i did rounds, i spent time for a little self care. :) (my self care best friends: lay bare, nail it, and my dentist!)

there is really a wisdom to God when he designed Sabbath.  it is a time to regroup, recoup, reorganize, re-energize to have the strength to resume our calling.

however, there is also another realization i draw from all this.  10 years back, my idea of success was to have a place of my own, a car, a MacBook air, and an i-phone.  my own driver would be a real plus.  being able to sing in a choir and exercise is a big plus.  and i got it all.  true, i still have to yet have my family and fall within my ideal BMI, but i realized that i have already achieved my definition of success that i dreamed up for myself 10 years ago.  when i realize this in the middle of the day, when i ride in my car, when i type in my laptop, i consider myself lucky.  i remember the time when i barely had enough strength to take care of myself, and i didn't even know when my next meal or my next shower would be.    i am lucky now.  I must continually remember this.  that maybe, with this state, my previous dream of the long patient lines, the consults peppered with fees, the travels etc, are not really the things i want.

if not careful, though, the pull of money and toxicity can draw me back to the point when i could hardly take care of myself.

as such, i find that when i think to myself, "i want more time for myself", maybe i shouldn't work to hard.  maybe i should rebalance.  and maybe, just maybe, i am enough of a success that i don't need to drive myself further.

because the things i consider important are things i already had 10 years ago even when i was not successful: family, friends and good relationships.

when the dream becomes: to have time for myself, one must listen and focus on the values that are more important.  this means the people more than the things.