Mine

Coming from a restful yet productive weekend, I proceed to incidentally stay at the condo while waiting for a friend as our lunch venue would be in the same place.

I enter the condo.  The furniture was lined with dust, quiet and unmanned.

I open the main switchboard, open the fans, the windows, my music and sit on the chair on my dining room and type my thoughts away.

So quiet.  So alone.  So uncluttered.  So mine.

I could not be more content.

What I would give to live in this place as I would wish.  However, as life would have it, priorities ad in a vacuum.  They are decided considering other people, other feelings, other goals, outside of what is mine.

And that is still the way it should be.  As I realised that upon buying this place and making it mine, It did not make me happy as I imagined.

People did.  Not things.  Sharing things.  Not keeping them to myself.

However, once in a while, I give in to my introvertedness, the wistfulness while thinking, "when can I live in a place as minimal as this, as I would want to?"

Though not an abode, this place is a retreat.  To check in with my thoughts.  To be in the quiet and to check in with me.

For now, in this moment, I could not be more content. :)

You Think You Have It All

Sometimes, the most irritating thing about having the both the money and the time is that you don't have anyone to spend it with.

Manifested Prayers

I always find it surprising how we can pray and pray and pray, and sometimes forget what we prayed for.  That is until what we pray for comes along.

This is especially true this year.  So many years have passed when i have always bought a new littman classic stethoscope after being so careless and lost the others.  When i want to buy these, I usually spend extra time in the store, looking at the cardiac steth and testing it out on my chest, marveling at how much more loud and clear the sounds are.  I would then check the price, and more often than not, it would be higher than 10,000 pesos.

Now the funny thing about working for your own money is that you think that there is a certain level when you will be more comfortable buying something, even if it is expensive, eventually.  But no, that time never comes.  One will just give a wistful stare,  a sigh, a shrug of both shoulders and move about in my own way.

I guess this came for me because this year, i have made the conscious effort to shy away from materialism.  When i really want something, I always ask if it is worth the cost.  Meaning that it will not be clutter, or if there is an inexpensive alternative that will fill its role.  Usually, I lose when the self debate involves trips with friends, because with those i realize, i buy the time with friends, more than the trip.

My better self usually wins the debate regarding material things.

However, God does not leave us to be alone.

After years and years and years of staring and stroking many cardiac steths that came my way, I received one this July from a cousin of mine, whose dad my sister and i watched out for.  Yes, my sister and I each got one!  And i feel like i was so lucky i didn't buy one anymore, because i got one for free!

Today was also a similar day.  Back in February, I lost my wallet to bukas kotse gang, and just grabbed a paper bag as an alternative wallet.  A few days after, while clutter cleaning at home, i found an old organizer aka wallet in my drawer.  (yes, go for clutter cleaning!) . Its been falling apart the last few months, but lo and behold when i went to clinic today, this greeted me!

And just like that, i have a new wallet.

The story gets more amazing when i tithed last week.  I gave (what i thought) was an extraordinary amount, 10% of my income for a good month.  Imagine my surprise when that day, i already got the corresponding amount through two cheques that i received that day!

God is really sovereign.  Somehow, trusting Him in one aspect of life makes all the rest easier.

So as of this writing, I am challenged, but inspired to trust, in that one aspect of life i am praying for the most.  I still hear the His quiet voice staying, "Steady ka lang diyan, trust."

So I try to.

Trust and Clutter Clearing for Manifested Prayers.  Always very therapeutic. :)


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epilogue

The day after this entry, I messaged two close friends of mine I have not seen in a long time.

5: 49 pm
Me: Nakakatawa girls, sobrang benign ko ngayon, pero i am really thankful, kasi ang dami kong nagagawa for myself.  pero hindi ako sanay sa time.  Miss ko na kayo!  naisip ko nga, ano ba ang gagawin natin sa lahat ng oras at pera na meron tayo when we cant spend it with anyone?  ahahhahaha, hating the fact na malayo kayo, but loving the fact that you guys are my friends, messaging you both with love!

5:58 pm
Friend: I set ulit ang out of town.

6:45 pm
Friend:  Conference tomorrow at hotel in makati?  Free.  (messaged paraphrased!). Need two names.  PM me asap.

And just like that, we had a spontaneous night out with each other and more friends!

Imagine that!  Here is to more answered prayers and being thankful for them!

trust

Proverbs 3:5-10

5Trust in the Lordwith all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

6in all your ways submit to him,

and he will make your paths straight.3:6 Or will direct your paths

7Do not be wise in your own eyes;

fear the Lordand shun evil.

8This will bring health to your body

and nourishment to your bones.

9Honor the Lordwith your wealth,

with the firstfruits of all your crops;

10then your barns will be filled to overflowing,

and your vats will brim over with new wine.

The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.®

Used by Permission of Biblica, Inc.® All rights reserved worldwide.

pardon this long sharing.

the introduction really spoke to me. this is the year, 2018, when I believe, I have come closest to putting my trust in god the most. I didn't realise that it was a long process in coming, but it did.

I love this verse, and I always remember Gary v's song, and sing this in my mind when things become difficult. though love is the means by which all good things flow, trust is necessary to this love. trust is like sitting on the passenger seat, not holding the steering wheel and letting god move things. and when this trust is present, things just flow and walking becomes easy. there is no fight. the challenge is always to stay in this state of trust and not let what we want take control. 

I believe that when i trust, god knows what we want and he provides the outcome in the best possible, surprising but wonderful way.

however, I always still pray this everyday: Lord, if it is not Your will, let it slip through my grasp and give me the peace not to worry about it.

and this: you don't need t know where you are going if god is leading.

Happiness Bubble

Do you sometimes get the feeling of being in a good place that it scares you?

Do you get the feeling that things could finally be going right, and that you are the luckiest girl and the world?  That everything, in all aspects of your life, are falling into place and moving in the right direction, without you working so hard to do it?

Do you feel that you have worked so long and hard to become that ideal person, that you are faking so hard to make it, and then one morning, you suddenly wake up and you ARE that ideal person without the effort.  And you forgot what happened in between?

Do you feel like you spent such a long time waiting for that ideal moment, and suddenly when it seems to be here, all the time wasn't all that long, all the time waiting was worth it, because finally, it is here, and it is even better than you imagined it would be?

Do you ever find yourself so lost in your own thoughts with a goofy smile on your face, laughing to yourself, thinking yourself crazy, but being unable to stop that warm, fuzzy, feeling inside anyway?

Do you every get that warm feeling in your gut that you couldn't turn off, even if you tried?

Did you every have the time when you truly said and felt that I AM SO HAPPY, and that you can't remember the last time you even thought that to yourself?

I am so happy.  I am so happy in my bubble, that I am scared in can burst into a zillion pieces, knowing that it possibly will... so I am just enjoying the moment.

Precious Nephro Moments

There are times in one's life when the moments are so precious that I just wish I could crystallise them, freeze-frame them into every DNA of my being and keep them forever.

Well, I can't so I guess the next best thing will be to write about them.

Tonight, we just concluded the 2018 Philippine Society of Nephrology Convention.  What used to be an event that filled me with such dread and sucked all the energy out of me evolved throughout the last eight years.

This year, 2018,  I saw it differently.  It was no longer a task to be done, an event to be attended, or groups of mentors to greet and to give tribute to so that they would know of your involvement or presence.  It was no longer a to list of all the singing, dancing performing because it was expected of you and you had to deliver or else shame would befall your chapter or your training institution.

I suppose how I view the convention now also reflected the change I saw in me.

 I now see the convention as a means to meet and greet new friends, reunite with the old, and tell stories in a setting where there is optimum comfort, no judgement (okay fine, meron, but we don't judge the judgement anyway!).  It is a time to genuinely get in touch with and connect with the people who have been like little lego blocks that contributed to the person that I am today.

I now see the convention as an outlet of the creativity and talent that would otherwise remain dormant  when one is caught up in treating the patients.  Sometimes, in the everyday world of medicine, the doctor tends to forget that he or she is also a person with creative juices flowing within.  This creativity is squelched, or becomes dormant because of the need to be more logical and scientific in treating the patients.  Because of the brief pause from clinical practice and the milieu of frustrated creativity or the pressure from friends, the various outlets like singing, dancing, photography, drawing, story telling comes out.  Not because of necessity.  But because of love.  One is not limited to becoming a doctor.  Being a doctor is just a part of the living, breathing persons we are.  We are not limited to the science.  We are science and art in one.

I now see the convention as time standing still to be spent with family members.  Families at buffet breakfasts.  Families with little kids swimming in the hotel pool.  Families watching fellowship nights, watching their mothers model, cheering their fathers on for presidencies that were done, sons watching their mothers handle the logistics.

I now see the convention as an avenue for learning.  This is true during the sessions, when one listens to the speakers, but also holds true for the various catch-ups, exchange of stories and experiences about patients, management and everything in between.

I now see the convention as a time to say thank you to all the people who have influenced us to change and grow, to figure out what is important, to redirect our path to align with our every changing priorities.  It is also an opportunity to look back at what we were, appreciate it, and move on to what we will be.

Thank you colleagues and friends for the wonderful convention this year.  I love being a nephrologist.

The Entanglement of Gen Med RTDs

It’s been a long time since I attended a Gen Med RTD. I found that it is the disadvantage (or maybe an advantage !) of being in a government institution.  Most often,  I just attend nephro events which I find more intimate and more relevant in my life.

However, I was duped just this week when a very kind Med Rep (yes the recipe for disaster) persistently invited me to a nutrition symposium.  Not thinking (yes, another ingredient for the recipe of disaster!), I was ready to say no because the venue was so far.  The Med Rep, whom we shall kindly call Poy, smoothly replied that there would be transportations and that I would be billeted in makati Shang Rila hotel.

All my resolve to say no suddenly disappeared with her kindness and her billeted-ness.  Given that I proceeded to make plans to invite SAFM, BOTD and hallokathy to my billetedness.  We resolved to eat drink and be merry.

Little did I realize that the event fell on the same day as the PSN pre convention!  Little did I realize that I needed to be at EDSA shang (not makati Shang!) post billeted-day to receive the PSN award (yes that for another post). Little did I realize hay this summit would entail around a thousand guests, that he pharmaceutical over-invites people, that I would be forced to sit through 5 lectures, and that I would have a toxic post cardiac surgery Icu patient that I would be managing via satellite q1 minute.  Little did I know that I would still have to cram slides for a PSN meeting!

Lesson learned :  wag na mag pa PO sa mga Gen Med RTD.  Sayang sa time, sayang sa pagod.

Entanglements.