but there is no way to know why.
you just roll with the punches and thank the heavens joy was given to you for a short time. :)
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Angels.
sometimes you wonder why.
but there is no way to know why.
you just roll with the punches and thank the heavens joy was given to you for a short time. :)
but there is no way to know why.
you just roll with the punches and thank the heavens joy was given to you for a short time. :)
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Mothers
September 8 marks the birthday of mama mary. Now this has really impacted me given that i graduated from a marian school named after mama mary. We have no school on september 8.
Many of my friends know that my mom and my maternal grandmother have played a very big role in my my life. I always say that if can become half of what they were, i would be in good shape. A such, even three years after their passing, i find myself still very affected when i remember both of them. Its funny. I used to think that adults who lose parents can handle it better than the children do. I tok my losing my mom to go figure that this is not the case.
My mom played a very huge role in encouraging me to become a nephrologist. I was exposed to the specialty. But now, i find myself treating each of the patients, especially the 60-something diabetic females as i would my mom. I guess i feel that the last 13 years of my life were spent more for m patient than my family, and this was the time that my mom got sick. That time should have been devoted t my mom. But by the time i was finished, it was too late and she was gone. Call it compensation, call it guilt, call it love, call it service, call it whatever you like. People would think that i call my patients "mom" out of habit, but those patients, in one way or another, are really my moms. ;)
Treating each of the new patients as my mom.
Funny. This truly came to the test for me seeing a patient for home visit today. I got a referral for a home visit to a place near my village. Of course i had to not reveal that i also lived in the same village so that the pf would not be discounted.
I found myself entering their beautiful home and eventually interacting with the daughter who could have been a few batches higher or lower than me in my alma mater. Luckily for me, there was no flicker or recognition on their faces.
And then i saw her. A very pretty lady in her 50s, but it seemed like she wasn't there. She was just a shell of a person. Not laughing, not cryng, looking but not seeing.
I went through the motions of the history and physical exam. But all throughout the consult, all i was thinking is how lucky i was.
Even if the realization came too late. You see, my mom was depressed for 7 years. Yes, she was difficult. Yes, she would cry. Yes, she would not want to get up and take a bath. Yes, i always thought that she was a shadow of her previous self.
But at least my mom was there.
As i ended the consult and left, i said to the daughter, "she is lucky to have you, i will pray for your family. And mom!" Who incidentally had the same name as mine.
So in celebration of motherhood, i give my appreciation and celebration to all the mothers out there.
And to those kids with moms, give them a hug now. :)
-----
As a side note, i was amazed to find out that let it be, one of my favorite songs, was written by paul mccartney for his mom who was really named mary. But amazingly, that song is for everyone who believes in mama mary. :)
thoughts and traffic
I am now driving in traffic. For three hours. In the traffic, i have read my emails, listened to meditation exercises. And i am still here.
Thoughts are playing in my head. So with my ipad on the steering wheel, i now write my whirlpool of thoughts. And the topic is faith.
I used to think that walking closely with the lord was a progression of stages or some grade or competency level to be reached. For example, if i reach grade 1, no one can take that away from me. All i have to do is to work on reaching grade 2.
However, as i seek to find god more, i realize that it really isnt a grade thing. It is a constant reminder thing. As such, it is really helpful you surround oneself with people you can talk these things over with. Or blog about it!!!
I hope that my faith is better. But if there is one thing i learned from my experience with cutie, it tales constant work. One cannot just assume that if a relationship lasts longer, it takes more work but the rewards are greater. I think it is also the same with the relationship with the lord.
I think i am growing in faith because i feel more happy and centered. I think i love more. I still have occasional bouts of self-pity but i think that it is less. I can even journal in the middle of this hellish traffic and i have been directionlessly driving for 3 hours now. A least i have me time.
I hope i walking the right way. :) or driving the right way. Kahit na traffic.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Heartburn
Pity is the suckiest feeling.
It must be worst than heartburn.
today, i had one of my really masunurin patients at the unit.
sadly, last week, when trying to initiate dialysis on this patient, there was a problem with her access.
as routine work would have it, i got the necessary information and referred the patient back to the institution where her dialysis was initiated.
endorsement went something like this:
me: hello, refer ko lang po si patient so and so. xx year old female, on chronic dialysis. wala pong outflow ang venous port ng patient.
resident receiving referral: ano po ang history
me: history history history.
resident: ok po.
me: yung meds on board pala bla bla bla.
resident: kelan po naadmit
me: nung august. (thought bubble: ang galing ko mag endorse! complete na complete!)
resident: health card po ba siya nung naadmit?
me: ha?
resident: health card? cash out? philhealth?
me: (awkward pause) ah, waith lang ha. tawagan ko po yung husband. (i call husband and whisper while covering the mouth piece) dad, cashout po ba kayo o healthcard?
husband: healthcard po, pero naubos na ang budget namin.
me: ahh, ok. (back to phone) maam, health card po daw.
resident: waith, paka usap lang natin sa health budget specialist (or something of that sort).
me: (hands over phone to husband)
husband: mhmmm. mhmmm. eh, wala na po kami pera. hindi ba pwede papalitan na lang nang di naadmit? (looks at me, and gives me the phone).
health specialist: maam, parang wala na pong budget si dad.
me: sige lang, kausapin ko muna siya, tawag ako later. (i hang up phone)
me: dad, gusto niyo po ba sa ibang ospital na mas mura (of course, bilang government lang ang exposure ko)
husband: eh, dun na lang po sa ______ (old hospital), para po the best para kay misis.
with a heavy heart, i sent the patient to the hospital where knew that the care was more pricey, but ultimately, the same from other institutions. minus the unnecessary trimmings.
today, i learn that they spent 11800 for a service that they could have gotten for less than half the price at another institution. but it's okay. dialysis was resumed.
or so i thought.
prior to initiating dialysis, again, there was no outflow from the cathether.
argh.
thought bubble: another 11800?
i called the surgeon who did the procedure, and sent them there. again. after less than two weeks. with the husband softly whispering "ay bakit naman ganon?". but he had no complaints. they even gave me a smile on their way out. for more heartburn.
on my way out, i see them by the mall doors, standing and waiting for the heavy rains to stop so that they could head to the clinic. and try to catch the doctor during his clinic hours. in the heavy rain. i rushed out with my umbrella handing it to them so they could reach the clinic on time. t
it seemed to be real theatrical.
it added more heaviness to my heart. i thought i was having an anginal attack.
i ranted for minutes on end to my colleagues. who like me had no other choice.
why is health care in the philippines so unfair?
11800 in one hospital, 2500 in another.
medication in a vial sometimes sell for 600, at other institutions 1800.
same same, but different different.
why do bad things happen to good people?
man, i wish i knew.
to end, i blurted out to my colleague: pano ba patayin ang awa.
he said: buti na lang naaawa tayo, because we are human.
but sometimes, it just doesn't feel that way.
It must be worst than heartburn.
today, i had one of my really masunurin patients at the unit.
sadly, last week, when trying to initiate dialysis on this patient, there was a problem with her access.
as routine work would have it, i got the necessary information and referred the patient back to the institution where her dialysis was initiated.
endorsement went something like this:
me: hello, refer ko lang po si patient so and so. xx year old female, on chronic dialysis. wala pong outflow ang venous port ng patient.
resident receiving referral: ano po ang history
me: history history history.
resident: ok po.
me: yung meds on board pala bla bla bla.
resident: kelan po naadmit
me: nung august. (thought bubble: ang galing ko mag endorse! complete na complete!)
resident: health card po ba siya nung naadmit?
me: ha?
resident: health card? cash out? philhealth?
me: (awkward pause) ah, waith lang ha. tawagan ko po yung husband. (i call husband and whisper while covering the mouth piece) dad, cashout po ba kayo o healthcard?
husband: healthcard po, pero naubos na ang budget namin.
me: ahh, ok. (back to phone) maam, health card po daw.
resident: waith, paka usap lang natin sa health budget specialist (or something of that sort).
me: (hands over phone to husband)
husband: mhmmm. mhmmm. eh, wala na po kami pera. hindi ba pwede papalitan na lang nang di naadmit? (looks at me, and gives me the phone).
health specialist: maam, parang wala na pong budget si dad.
me: sige lang, kausapin ko muna siya, tawag ako later. (i hang up phone)
me: dad, gusto niyo po ba sa ibang ospital na mas mura (of course, bilang government lang ang exposure ko)
husband: eh, dun na lang po sa ______ (old hospital), para po the best para kay misis.
with a heavy heart, i sent the patient to the hospital where knew that the care was more pricey, but ultimately, the same from other institutions. minus the unnecessary trimmings.
today, i learn that they spent 11800 for a service that they could have gotten for less than half the price at another institution. but it's okay. dialysis was resumed.
or so i thought.
prior to initiating dialysis, again, there was no outflow from the cathether.
argh.
thought bubble: another 11800?
i called the surgeon who did the procedure, and sent them there. again. after less than two weeks. with the husband softly whispering "ay bakit naman ganon?". but he had no complaints. they even gave me a smile on their way out. for more heartburn.
on my way out, i see them by the mall doors, standing and waiting for the heavy rains to stop so that they could head to the clinic. and try to catch the doctor during his clinic hours. in the heavy rain. i rushed out with my umbrella handing it to them so they could reach the clinic on time. t
it seemed to be real theatrical.
it added more heaviness to my heart. i thought i was having an anginal attack.
i ranted for minutes on end to my colleagues. who like me had no other choice.
why is health care in the philippines so unfair?
11800 in one hospital, 2500 in another.
medication in a vial sometimes sell for 600, at other institutions 1800.
same same, but different different.
why do bad things happen to good people?
man, i wish i knew.
to end, i blurted out to my colleague: pano ba patayin ang awa.
he said: buti na lang naaawa tayo, because we are human.
but sometimes, it just doesn't feel that way.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Opportunity Cost
It has been a little over a year since i started private practice.
i remember the days when i felt like i never had enough money. so little that:
1. a friend and i would just lur and chat at the side walk. and rant about how purita we feel. and laugh when we would bump into each other at different racket sites across qc. cost: 5 pesos each. kung may candy, plus 2 pesos each.
2. a friend and i would just buy 7-11 coffee and chat for hours on end OUTSIDE 7-11 on a sidewalk until the late hours at night. cost: 30+ pesos
3. reunions would happen post precepts at a school over free lunch provided by the administration. cost: free.
4. sun to sun phone calls ranting to other people: ganito ba talaga ang pagsisimula ng private practice? cost: free. basta sun to sun.
one year later, i find myself doing the following
1. giving advice to friends who are starting a racket. "never say no. just say no when you have another racket that will pay more that the one you will cancel."
2. having friends who don't know what to do with opportunities so they pass them on to me for more happiness.
3. having many opportunities myself that i get confused at what to get.
4. limiting my business opportunities to areas near me because of the dreaded TRAFFIC!
5. giving others opportunities i can no longer afford to take myself.
6. investing on 5 digit things rather than 3 digit things to generate more income.
7. thinking of investing on 6 digit things to generate MORE income.
8. speaking like a veteran when sometimes i don't know what i am doing.
9. still being patay gutom, but with friends who consider a lrt stored value card as something of a status symbol of being a regular commuter.
10. having enough time to blog and to become a professional retreatant.
11. lending other people money.
12. having difficult time catching those other people you used to make sun-to-sun telebabad to. dahil toxic ka na sa practice. or dahil toxic din sila. hehehehe.
i guess some kind of growth has come along the way.
and that i am thankful for.
but sometimes, i miss the old days.
kaya gimik tayo safm, botd, frichmond and ms Q!
special mention to princess di and rose with thorn in this post. :)
special sun to sun mention to mrs j, mrs t, faithfularlene and wordpressingaggiepie! :)
may the coming year give us more growth and more happy memories to look back to!
i remember the days when i felt like i never had enough money. so little that:
1. a friend and i would just lur and chat at the side walk. and rant about how purita we feel. and laugh when we would bump into each other at different racket sites across qc. cost: 5 pesos each. kung may candy, plus 2 pesos each.
2. a friend and i would just buy 7-11 coffee and chat for hours on end OUTSIDE 7-11 on a sidewalk until the late hours at night. cost: 30+ pesos
3. reunions would happen post precepts at a school over free lunch provided by the administration. cost: free.
4. sun to sun phone calls ranting to other people: ganito ba talaga ang pagsisimula ng private practice? cost: free. basta sun to sun.
one year later, i find myself doing the following
1. giving advice to friends who are starting a racket. "never say no. just say no when you have another racket that will pay more that the one you will cancel."
2. having friends who don't know what to do with opportunities so they pass them on to me for more happiness.
3. having many opportunities myself that i get confused at what to get.
4. limiting my business opportunities to areas near me because of the dreaded TRAFFIC!
5. giving others opportunities i can no longer afford to take myself.
6. investing on 5 digit things rather than 3 digit things to generate more income.
7. thinking of investing on 6 digit things to generate MORE income.
8. speaking like a veteran when sometimes i don't know what i am doing.
9. still being patay gutom, but with friends who consider a lrt stored value card as something of a status symbol of being a regular commuter.
10. having enough time to blog and to become a professional retreatant.
11. lending other people money.
12. having difficult time catching those other people you used to make sun-to-sun telebabad to. dahil toxic ka na sa practice. or dahil toxic din sila. hehehehe.
i guess some kind of growth has come along the way.
and that i am thankful for.
but sometimes, i miss the old days.
kaya gimik tayo safm, botd, frichmond and ms Q!
special mention to princess di and rose with thorn in this post. :)
special sun to sun mention to mrs j, mrs t, faithfularlene and wordpressingaggiepie! :)
may the coming year give us more growth and more happy memories to look back to!
Panic-elya versus Living in Trust
Reflection: When things go wrong, do you panic or do you trust?
I used to panic all the time. I guess it was because i was a control freak. Or maybe because i always used to have something or someone breathing down my neck.
Then i graduated from training.
And let go of everything i don't want to do.
Right now, everyday is an effort to trust.
Maybe because everyday is different.
And brings the unknown.
Trust.
And it pays off.
After moments of extreme sweating and fear, one is forced to let go because you have done everything that you can.
And then it happens. The things i used to run after that eluded me comes in such abundance. It is much like Niagara falls level of flow breaking through a dam.
Whether it is compliments for a job well done or a gift you have given others.
Or patients.
Or opportunities.
Or friends catching up.
Or financial gifts.
Or kind words.
Such is the ebb and flow of the need to control and the strength to trust.
Good thing I am commonly with people who are in the same boat as I. I see the trusting folk living in the same uncertainty but being rewarded with gifts. so i release a little and let go. and have faith.
One thing I am purely happy about this week is this realization: Thank God I am being paid to do what I do.
Yes, i may not necessarily get as much as others do.
But i wake up to every day with pleasure. :)
Be Satisfied With Me
repost from a kindred new friend of mine, meryl.
to all of my friends who are pining,
also for those who are not pining, but waiting
and for those who are neither pining nor waiting...
-----------------------------
Be Satisfied with Me
to all of my friends who are pining,
also for those who are not pining, but waiting
and for those who are neither pining nor waiting...
-----------------------------
Be Satisfied with Me
by St. Anthony of Padua
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says, “No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with Me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing … one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry
Don’t look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don’t look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won’t be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly. I AM God.
Believe it and be satisfied.
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But to a Christian, God says, “No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with Me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing … one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry
Don’t look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don’t look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won’t be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly. I AM God.
Believe it and be satisfied.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
On Relationships and Exes
What do you need to let go of in your relationships so you can show mercy?
Expectations
Speaking of letting go. I had a funny dream today,
I dreamt i was in a meadow and Cutie came by with no words. Conversation went something like this:
Me: are you walking away?
Cutie: yes, i am.
Me: okay. That's okay. But before you go, i want to say i love you.
Hahahahaha. Parang kanta.
But i felt at peace after.
I guess that's the thing about love. This is really mushy (safm, you are probably puking!). But i want to mention this quote: love means wanting the best for another person even if you are not there with them.
Letting Go of Anger: Dedma
Why do you think it is so hard for us to let things go, even and sometimes especially between the people we love most?
I don't know.
I guess because one's view of a perfect life is with people you love. And when they are gone, it hurts. And well, no one really wants to deal with hurt.
But the hurt forces you to learn, grow, move on and be thankful.
What can you fill your life with so that you overflow with goodness and not anger?
Gratitude. Friends. Laughter. Prayer. Affirmation. Good words. Happy songs. Jokes. Tmr. Sn phone calls.
Besides, sayang ang time kung galit-galitan. :)
What has anger cost your relationships?
Peace. Or the relationship itself. Time.
What methods do you use to keep your cool when someone gets angry at you or attacks you?
The art of dedma. I cannot claim authorship. This one is anne curtis'. :)
Yellow Ticket
Reflection:
Do you work for yourself alone?
Do it for God and others, and God and others will work for you.
Sometimes i feel real sick when i just stay in bed and do nothing. And then i realize its because i do nothing for others.
At times when i do rounds, even if i feel tired after, i feel good.
I love my career, my calling. I deal with people and meet new ones all the time.
I love that there are days in the HD unit when i can just stay and reflect on the blessings of life in between helping others.
I love when i feel sick of helping others, my work allows me to cancel what i want so that i can lie in bed.
Kudos to those who passed the medical board exam.
I always say that this physician licensure exam is the most gut wrenching exam i have taken in my entire life, but is the most valuable yellow ticket i have in my career life!!!
Again: Gratitude
The gratitude challenge was great, it makes one feel light!
I found writing down three things that i am grateful for today keeps me grounded and feeling blessed. I started writing an e journal and adding pictures. Nakakatuwa!
I learned that everything is a matter of perspective.
Once you feed your brain, it will follow.
At times, even if you do your best, things don't work out.
Letting go can be a sign of gratitude and belief in God and the cosmos!
I plan to continue journalling, be positive, thank people who deserve thanking. If others are irritating, rule of thumb should be "hayaan mo na!" Sayang sa time!
I trust that God to deliver me in times of trouble.
Sometimes when my thoughts get the better me and my thoughts run circularly, its hard. But when we are tired and let go, faithful and let go, God always delivers.
Talk about two post grads and other are approved sponsors! Talk about unexpected money coming in.
Sana asawa!!! :)
But ultimately, God helps those who help themselves!
Soul Joy
REFLECTION QUESTION: How are you using the gifts God has blessed you with?
I think God has blessed me with the following, my core gifts, so to say:
1. Teaching heart - I think that this has been helping me in my current position as consultant in teaching hospitals and in medicine schools. I enjoy myself immensely and find myself being forced to sharpen and update myself.
2. Healing hands - Doctor. Need i say more?
3. Bringing people together - in my circle of friends, I find that I am often the one who invites people out. (I don't know if this is a gift of single-blessedness?) call it my introvertedly social nature (if such a concept exists, but i am sure that my friends can attest that it does!). However, i have to be careful at not being to needy. Nor compromise myself in the company of others. I must try to be independent. Good thing god gave me supportive friends and great friends who encourage me to be the best that i can be.
4. Empathy - I studied for years on end to become a doctor, but i realized much of the success a doctor has is due to his empathy to patients. Call in chika based medicine. I hope this brings me more patients in my pool. :)
5. Musical spirit - I have been a choir member since grade school and I miss it so. Any ideas for singing opportunities?
I think I am doing well with God's blessing to me of listening to people and wanting them to feel better! 4/5 isn't so bad!
I went to a retreat recently and a great speaker DD spoke of soul joy. This is the joy that they say we feel not because of our achievements, but because of the simple things around us. Examples are what we feel when wee see a child smiling or when we see a shooting star coming by. The simple things in life.
DD, went on to day that we are where god called us to be when we feel soul joy everyday. At that time, I had a sudden flashback in my head of a visit I did to one of the dialysis units I had.
It was a long time since I visited that shift of dialysis. When I went inside the room, I saw a patient I have not seen in weeks on end. I waved to her excitedly. All of the other patients within my line of vision thought that I was waving to them. Hence they all waved back at me excitedly. There I was in the HD unit, feeling like a celebrity . But I was witnessing the simple joys of doing rounds and having a doctor patient relationship.
Other than that, I get to watch the dialysis patients ongoing treatment with visits from friends, relatives. They must talk and chat. I see patients helping each other out however they can. I see patients who are slow to warm up and very quiet, and eventually talking and smiling at me.
And then I get paid to see this soul joy phenomenon, and help out humanity even a little.
Then I realize that I am in the right place. Even if it took 13 years of hard work to get here.
I am where God wanted me to be. Finally!
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