to my fellow mds: blessings from the rock bottom pit

it is so amazing.  i never believed it at first.

but when i attended the feast, it was taught to tithe.

now, as a catholic, tithing never made sense to me before.  i first heard of this when i attended a christian church wherein their offering was given in envelopes rather than in baskets which were passed around.  when i asked the church goer, they said that the bible advised to give 10% of monthly income.

initially, i thought (at the time when i had no income): omg, 10%???? that is a lot!

so i just gave what i could, but this little factoid planted a seed that would eventually grow eventually.

after some time, i found myself being invited by several friends to the feast, the current catholic church that i now attend.  upon attending, i was surprised that they also encouraged tithing.  so i decided to try it.

and it is amazing how quickly things come back to you when you give it out.  call it positivity.  call it the secret.  call it god's grace.  call it anything you want.  but i always think, "grabe, ang bilis talaga mag balik ni god ng binibigay mo!"

to illustrate:

1.  last week, i was really down in the dumps because i have no in patients.  (go figure, starting practice.)  however, i promised myself that i would give a bit for yolanda victims.  i mean, come on.  if you watch tv and have a bit of a conscience, you would really be encouraged to do so.  so i did.  and less than 30 minutes later, i got a text message saying that i got my first hd philhealth payment which was 7x of what i gave for yolanda!!!!

2.  i was busy cleaning out my closet because, once again, i wanted to do my share of giving clothes and items which i think would be useful for the yolanda victims.  my sister did the same thing.  in the middle of it all, one has to understand that my sister and i don't always shop.  but we need to.

yesterday, we gave a bulk of the donations.  today, my eldest sister and i opened the balikbayan box my sister sent us from the US.  lo and behold, she sent her old clothes which she no longer used, and i found  myself getting 5 pairs of pants, 1 skirt and 1 top!  (complete at may isang set pa ng underwear.  oha!) amazing!  capris nga lang lahat.  (go figure.....)   na walang gastos!  amazing, right?

3.  this last thing has nothing to do with tithe, but the happiness of having a bit more than the funds i got at fellowship (which amounted to almost....um....nil).  last monday, i was at work in the mall and getting something from my car.  i went back to the mall.  when i was about to go home, i found that i could not find my keys (car keys and clinic keys).  i was frantic and praying to god that i would find the key, since it was the last key of the car that i had.  (this reminds me, i should get it duplicated!)  i approached a guard in the parking lot and asked to borrow his flashlight to check if the car keys were inside.  they were not.  i was on the verge of tears and prayed to god with all my might to find the keys.  i did not have the energy to go around the entire grounds of SM fairview to look for a set of keys!!!!  the guard then told me to go to the customer service before going to mr quickie (to have the car door opened) in case someone gave my keys.  before i could go to the customer service, i found out that the street sweeper, a young guy in his early 20s, found my keys about five feet from my car where i must have dropped them!  the keys were handed to me in perfect condition.  i wanted to hug the guy (but of course, prevented myself from doing so in pure cougar-ness).  in all surprise, i found myself opening my wallet and handing him a bill.  he looked at the bill and said, "maam, grabe naman ang laki nito!"  in pure joy, i just said, "ibigay mo na lang yan sa nanay mo."

i don't know if i was just bitten by the blessing bug, but i just thought to myself, "grabe, umasenso na siguro ako, kasi kaya ko na magbigay ng pera."

it's amazing.

so what is the point of this post?

i suppose this is the point.  this post is addressed to all my doctor friends who are now in what we view as the starting pit of our practice.  this is the worst it will get guys.  there is nowhere to go but up, my dear friends.  of course, we are so far behind from our consultants who have tons and tons and tons of patients.  but if we look from whence we came (like the dark ages of fellowship), we have come so far.  and we will go farther.

promise.

(pano nga lang kaya ito ma tatranslate sa love life????)

Angels.

sometimes you wonder why.
but there is no way to know why.
you just roll with the punches and thank the heavens joy was given to you for a short time. :)

Mothers

September 8 marks the birthday of mama mary.  Now this has really impacted me given that i  graduated from a marian school named after mama mary.  We have no school on september 8.  

Many of my friends know that my mom and my maternal grandmother have played a very big role in my my life.  I always say that if can become half of what they were, i would be in good shape.  A such, even three years after their passing, i find myself still very affected when i remember both of them.  Its funny.  I used to think that adults who lose parents can handle it better than the children do.  I tok my losing my mom to go figure that this is not the case.

My mom played a very huge role in encouraging me to become a nephrologist.  I was exposed to the specialty.  But now, i find myself treating each of the patients, especially the 60-something diabetic females as i would my mom.   I guess i feel that the last 13 years of my life were spent more for m patient than my family, and this was the time that my mom got sick.  That time should have been devoted t my mom.  But by the time i was finished, it was too late and she was gone.  Call it compensation, call it guilt, call it love, call it service, call it whatever you like. People would think that i call my patients "mom" out of habit, but those patients, in one way or another, are really my moms. ;)

Treating each of the new patients as my mom.

Funny.  This truly came to the test for me seeing a patient for home visit today.  I got a referral for a home visit to a place near my village.  Of course i had to not reveal that i also lived in the same village so that the pf would not be discounted.

I found myself entering their beautiful home and eventually interacting with the daughter who could have been a few batches higher or lower than me in my alma mater.  Luckily for me, there was no flicker or recognition on their faces.

And then i saw her.  A very pretty lady in her 50s,  but it seemed like she wasn't there.  She was just a shell of a person.  Not laughing, not cryng, looking but not seeing. 

I went through the motions of the history and physical exam.  But all throughout the consult, all i was thinking is how lucky i was.

Even if the realization came too late.   You see, my mom was depressed for 7 years.  Yes, she was difficult.  Yes, she would cry.  Yes, she would not want to get up and take a bath.  Yes, i always thought that she was a shadow of her previous self.  

But at least my mom was there. 

As i ended the consult and left, i said to the daughter, "she is lucky to have you, i will pray for your family.  And mom!" Who incidentally had the same name as mine.

So in celebration of motherhood, i give my appreciation and celebration to all the mothers out there.

And to those kids with moms, give them a hug now. :) 

-----

As a side note, i was amazed to find out that let it be, one of my favorite songs, was written by paul mccartney for his mom who was really named mary.  But amazingly, that song is for everyone who believes in mama mary. :) 

thoughts and traffic

I am now driving in traffic.  For three hours. In the traffic, i have read my emails, listened to meditation exercises.  And i am still here.  

Thoughts are playing in my head.  So with my ipad on the steering wheel, i now write my whirlpool of thoughts.  And the topic is faith.

I used to think that walking closely with the lord was a progression of stages or some grade or competency level to be reached.  For example, if i reach grade 1, no one can take that away from me. All i have to do is to work on reaching grade 2.

However, as i seek to find god more, i realize that it really isnt a grade thing. It is a constant reminder thing.  As such, it is really helpful you surround oneself with people you can talk these things over with. Or blog about it!!!

I hope that my faith is better. But if there is one thing i learned from my experience with cutie, it tales constant work. One cannot just assume that if a relationship lasts longer, it takes more work but the rewards are greater. I think it is also the same with the relationship with the lord.

I think i am growing in faith because i feel more happy and centered.  I think i love more.  I still have occasional bouts of self-pity but i think that it is less.  I can even journal in the middle of this hellish traffic and i have been directionlessly driving for 3 hours now.  A least i have me time.

I hope i walking the right way. :)  or driving the right way.  Kahit na traffic.

quote of the day

Receive love. Give love. Repeat. —Anne Cetas

Heartburn

Pity is the suckiest feeling.
It must be worst than heartburn.

today, i had one of my really masunurin patients at the unit.
sadly, last week, when trying to initiate dialysis on this patient, there was a problem with her access.
as routine work would have it, i got the necessary information and referred the patient back to the institution where her dialysis was initiated.

endorsement went something like this:
 me: hello, refer ko lang po si patient so and so.  xx year old female, on chronic dialysis.  wala pong outflow ang venous port ng patient.
resident receiving referral: ano po ang history
me: history history history.
resident: ok po.
me: yung meds on board pala bla bla bla.
resident: kelan po naadmit
me: nung august. (thought bubble: ang galing ko mag endorse! complete na complete!)
resident: health card po ba siya nung naadmit?
me: ha?
resident: health card? cash out? philhealth?
me: (awkward pause) ah, waith lang ha.  tawagan ko po yung husband.  (i call husband and whisper while covering the mouth piece) dad, cashout po ba kayo o healthcard?
husband: healthcard po, pero naubos na ang budget namin.
me: ahh, ok.  (back to phone) maam, health card po daw.
resident: waith, paka usap lang natin sa health budget specialist (or something of that sort).
me: (hands over phone to husband)
husband: mhmmm.  mhmmm.  eh, wala na po kami pera.  hindi ba pwede papalitan na lang nang di naadmit? (looks at me, and gives me the phone).
health specialist:  maam, parang wala na pong budget si dad.
me: sige lang, kausapin ko muna siya, tawag ako later. (i hang up phone)

me: dad, gusto niyo po ba sa ibang ospital na mas mura (of course, bilang government lang ang exposure ko)
husband: eh, dun na lang po sa ______ (old hospital), para po the best para kay misis.

with a heavy heart, i sent the patient to the hospital where knew that the care was more pricey, but ultimately, the same from other institutions.  minus the unnecessary trimmings.

today, i learn that they spent 11800 for a service that they could have gotten for less than half the price at another institution.  but it's okay.  dialysis was resumed.

or so i thought.

prior to initiating dialysis, again, there was no outflow from the cathether.

argh.

thought bubble: another 11800?

i called the surgeon who did the procedure, and sent them there.  again.  after less than two weeks.  with the husband softly whispering "ay bakit naman ganon?".  but he had no complaints.  they even gave me a smile on their way out.  for more heartburn.

on my way out, i see them by the mall doors, standing and waiting for the heavy rains to stop so that they could head to the clinic.  and try to catch the doctor during his clinic hours.  in the heavy rain.  i rushed out with my umbrella handing it to them so they could reach the clinic on time.  t

it seemed to be real theatrical.
it added more heaviness to my heart.  i thought i was having an anginal attack.
i ranted for minutes on end to my colleagues.  who like me had no other choice.

why is health care in the philippines so unfair?
11800 in one hospital, 2500 in another.
medication in a vial sometimes sell for 600, at other institutions 1800.
same same,  but different different.

why do bad things happen to good people?

man, i wish i knew.

to end, i blurted out to my colleague: pano ba patayin ang awa.
he said: buti na lang naaawa tayo, because we are human.
but sometimes, it just doesn't feel that way.

Opportunity Cost

It has been a little over a year since i started private practice.

i remember the days when i felt like i never had enough money.  so little that:
1.  a friend and i would just lur and chat at the side walk.  and rant about how purita we feel.  and laugh when we would bump into each other at different racket sites across qc.  cost: 5 pesos each.  kung may candy, plus 2 pesos each.
2.  a friend and i would just buy 7-11 coffee and chat for hours on end OUTSIDE 7-11 on a sidewalk until the late hours at night.  cost: 30+ pesos
3.  reunions would happen post precepts at a school over free lunch provided by the administration.  cost: free.  
4.  sun to sun phone calls ranting to other people: ganito ba talaga ang pagsisimula ng private practice?  cost: free.  basta sun to sun.

one year later, i find myself doing the following
1.  giving advice to friends who are starting a racket.  "never say no.  just say no when you have another racket that will pay more that the one you will cancel."
2. having friends who don't know what to do with opportunities so they pass them on to me for more happiness.
3.  having many opportunities myself that i get confused at what to get.
4.  limiting my business opportunities to areas near me because of the dreaded TRAFFIC!
5.  giving others opportunities i can no longer afford to take myself.
6.  investing on 5 digit things rather than 3 digit things to generate more income.
7.  thinking of investing on 6 digit things to generate MORE income.
8.  speaking like a veteran when sometimes i don't know what i am doing.
9.  still being patay gutom, but with friends who consider a lrt stored value card as something of a status symbol of being a regular commuter.
10.  having enough time to blog and to become a professional retreatant.
11.  lending other people money.
12.  having difficult time catching those other people you used to make sun-to-sun telebabad to.  dahil toxic ka na sa practice. or dahil toxic din sila.  hehehehe.

i guess some kind of growth has come along the way.

and that i am thankful for.  

but sometimes, i miss the old days.  

kaya gimik tayo safm, botd, frichmond and ms Q!
special mention to princess di and rose with thorn in this post. :)
special sun to sun mention to mrs j, mrs t, faithfularlene and wordpressingaggiepie! :)

may the coming year give us more growth and more happy memories to look back to!

Panic-elya versus Living in Trust

Reflection: When things go wrong, do you panic or do you trust?

I used to panic all the time.  I guess it was because i was a control freak.  Or maybe because i always used to have something or someone breathing down my neck.

Then i graduated from training.

And let go of everything i don't want to do.

Right now, everyday is an effort to trust.  

Maybe because everyday is different.

And brings the unknown.

Trust.

And it pays off.

After moments of extreme sweating and fear, one is forced to let go because you have done everything that you can. 

And then it happens.  The things i used to run after that eluded me comes in such abundance.  It is much like Niagara falls level of flow breaking through a dam.

Whether it is compliments for a job well done or a gift you have given others.

Or patients.

Or opportunities.

Or friends catching up.

Or financial gifts.

Or kind words.

Such is the ebb and flow of the need to control and the strength to trust.

Good thing I am commonly with people who are in the same boat as I.  I see the trusting folk living in the same uncertainty but being rewarded with gifts.  so i release a little and let go.  and have faith.

One thing I am purely happy about this week is this realization:  Thank God I am being paid to do what I do.  

Yes, i may not necessarily get as much as others do. 

But i wake up to every day with pleasure.  :)

Be Satisfied With Me

repost from a kindred new friend of mine, meryl.
to all of my friends who are pining,
also for those who are not pining, but waiting
and for those who are neither pining nor waiting...

-----------------------------
Be Satisfied with Me

by St. Anthony of Padua

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another,
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to a Christian, God says, “No, not until you are satisfied,
Fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone,
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me.
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.

Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship,
That I have planned for you.
You will never be united to another
Until you are united with Me.
Exclusive of anyone or anything else.
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you
The most thrilling plan existing … one you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.
Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry
Don’t look around at things others have gotten
Or that I have given them
Don’t look around at the things you think you want,
Just keep looking off and away up to Me,
Or you’ll miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready,
I am working even at this moment
To have both of you ready at the same time.
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me
And the life I prepared for you,
You won’t be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me.
And this is perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love,
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me.
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly. I AM God.
Believe it and be satisfied.

On Relationships and Exes

What do you need to let go of in your relationships so you can show mercy?

Expectations

Speaking of letting go. I had a funny dream today,

I dreamt i was in a meadow and Cutie came by with no words.  Conversation went something like this:

Me: are you walking away?

Cutie: yes, i am.

Me: okay. That's okay.  But before you go, i want to say i love you.

Hahahahaha. Parang kanta.

But i felt at peace after.

I guess that's the thing about love.  This is really mushy (safm, you are probably puking!).  But i want to mention this quote: love means wanting the best for another person even if you are not there with them. 

Letting Go of Anger: Dedma

Why do you think it is so hard for us to let things go, even and sometimes especially between the people we love most?

I don't know. 

I guess because one's view of a perfect life is with people you love. And when they are gone, it hurts. And well, no one really wants to deal with hurt. 

But the hurt forces you to learn, grow, move on and be thankful. 

What can you fill your life with so that you overflow with goodness and not anger?

Gratitude. Friends. Laughter. Prayer. Affirmation. Good words. Happy songs. Jokes. Tmr. Sn phone calls.

Besides, sayang ang time kung galit-galitan. :) 

What has anger cost your relationships?

Peace. Or the relationship itself.  Time.  

What methods do you use to keep your cool when someone gets angry at you or attacks you?

The art of dedma.  I cannot claim authorship. This one is anne curtis'. :)

Yellow Ticket

Reflection: 

Do you work for yourself alone? 

Do it for God and others, and God and others will work for you.

Sometimes i feel real sick when i just stay in bed and do nothing.  And then i realize its because i do nothing for others.

At times when i do rounds, even if i feel tired after, i feel good.

I love my career, my calling.  I deal with people and meet new ones all the time.

I love that there are days in the HD unit when i can just stay and reflect on the blessings of life in between helping others.

I love when i feel sick of helping others, my work allows me to cancel what i want so that i can lie in bed. 

Kudos to those  who passed the medical board exam.  

I always say that this physician licensure exam is the most gut wrenching exam i have taken in my entire life, but is the most valuable yellow ticket i have in my career life!!!

Again: Gratitude

The gratitude challenge was great, it makes one feel light!

I found writing down three things that i am grateful for today keeps me grounded and feeling blessed. I started writing an e journal and adding pictures. Nakakatuwa! 

I learned that everything is a matter of perspective.

Once you feed your brain, it will follow.

At times, even if you do your best, things don't work out. 

Letting go can be a sign of gratitude and belief in God and the cosmos! 

I plan to continue journalling, be positive, thank people who deserve thanking. If others are irritating, rule of thumb should be "hayaan mo na!"  Sayang sa time!

I trust that God to deliver me in times of trouble.

Sometimes when my thoughts get the better me and my thoughts run circularly, its hard.  But when we are tired and let go, faithful and let go, God always delivers. 

Talk about two post grads and other are approved sponsors!  Talk about unexpected money coming in.

Sana asawa!!! :)

But ultimately, God helps those who help themselves!

Soul Joy

REFLECTION QUESTION: How are you using the gifts God has blessed you with? 

I think God has blessed me with the following, my core gifts, so to say:

1. Teaching heart - I think that this has been helping me in my current position as consultant in teaching hospitals and in medicine schools. I enjoy myself immensely and find myself being forced to sharpen and update myself. 

2. Healing hands - Doctor. Need i say more? 

3. Bringing people together - in my circle of friends, I find that I am often the one who invites people out.  (I don't know if this is a gift of single-blessedness?) call it my introvertedly social nature (if such a concept exists, but i am sure that my friends can attest that it does!).  However, i have to be careful at not being to needy. Nor compromise myself in the company of others. I must try to be independent. Good thing god gave me supportive friends and great friends who encourage me to be the best that i can be.

4. Empathy - I studied for years on end to become a doctor, but i realized much of the success a doctor has is due to his empathy to patients.  Call in chika based medicine.  I hope this brings me more patients in my pool. :) 

5. Musical spirit - I have been a choir member since grade school and I miss it so.  Any ideas for singing opportunities?

I think I am doing well with God's blessing to me of listening to people and wanting them to feel better! 4/5 isn't so bad! 

I went to a retreat recently and a great speaker DD spoke of soul joy.  This is the joy that they say we feel not because of our achievements, but because of the simple things around us.  Examples are what we feel when wee see a child smiling or when we see a shooting star coming by.  The simple things in life.

DD, went on to day that we are where god called us to be when we feel soul joy everyday.  At that time, I had a sudden flashback in my head of a visit I did to one of the dialysis units I had.  

It was a long time since I visited that shift of dialysis.  When I went inside the room, I saw a patient I have not seen in weeks on end.  I  waved to her excitedly.  All of the other patients within my line of vision thought that I was waving to them.  Hence they all waved back at me excitedly.  There I was in the HD unit, feeling like a celebrity .  But I was witnessing the simple joys of doing rounds and having a doctor patient relationship.

Other than that, I get to watch the dialysis patients ongoing treatment with visits from friends, relatives.  They must talk and chat. I see patients helping each other out however they can.  I see patients who are slow to warm up and very quiet, and eventually talking and smiling at me.

And then I get paid to see this soul joy phenomenon, and help out humanity even a little.

Then I realize that I am in the right place.  Even if it took 13 years of hard work to get here.

I am where God wanted me to be.  Finally! 

If You Know It, Then Do It

Yesterday, i went out with several of my girl friends.  Being girl friends that we are who have not seen each other for the longest time, and that we were friends since as far back as we could remember, we were talking non-stop from the time we saw each other until the time i dropped them off to their respective houses.  talk about motor-mouth marathon.  there were threads on threads on threads of discussion.

one of the conversations we had was the confession i had with father during the retreat.

me: ok girls, kwento ko lang yung confession sa retreat.

altaP: um, as in sasabihin mo yung sins mo?

frichmond: (listens closely)

me: sabi ko, bless me father for i have sinned....my sins are !@#$%^&* (no, you should have been at the dinner to hear my sins!)

it just struck me as funny because when i was younger, i was pretty embarrassed at my sins.  now, no longer.  call it the senior citizen confidence versus the insecurity of youth. :)  i don't know what happened.

i guess the more important thing i consider is that i struggle to make the change.  and i am honest about it.  

baka kumapal lang talaga ang mukha ko.  or maybe, there is this new acceptance of self?  

beats me. 

Own Your Experiences

Just this month, i remember ranting that in my pure kamukhang-perahan that the earnings for the month of august (what with habagat and pork barrel and all the holidays) were smaller than that of july.  i was so apprehensive because my expenses went way above what i intended.  panic stricken, i was eventually forced to let it go because the worry was getting better of me.

I prayed to god for more money.  then i let go.

imagine my surprise when i received a particular check from a particular racket-place.  i received twice the value of what i was expecting!  apparently, i got back pay from professional fees as far back as three months ago!  

first words in my brain were "Thank God!"

And to make matters more exciting, rshell, a med rep friend, approached me today, and without my asking, offered me a slot in one of the post grad courses!

Writing these things down makes it real.  I never ceased to be amazed.  Just when i feel that i can no longer breathe because of my need to control things, I let go.  And He makes His presence felt.  Amazing!

In fact, to prove the point, i read this in one of my God Whispers Messages:

"Do not expect other people to give as much or more than you do.  Life is really not fair.  If it were, you would not be getting as many blessings as you are."

True. :)

Are My Receiving Channels On?

Lately in life, i found myself asking God for the important things. 

But lately, i think I have found that i had a closed heart.  As such, i think it was really positively providential that i came across this list of questions.

Here is a checklist to make sure you have your receiving channels open:

1.  Do you receive compliments well?
When i was younger, i was part of that population that population that always shunned compliments:

friend: uy, friend, you are such a nice person!
me: realleah???
friend: az in!
me: di namaaaaaaaaan!

a big and important birthing pain to my new self came from one of my good friends, miss ross.  now, miss ross was into new age, improving oneself, and being one with the Lord.  I guess she was one of the many people that got me into this new age phase of my life.

Now, miss ross is hardly the sweety-tuuu-tums pa-effect type.  She is a hard core person, bent on succeeding (although sometimes, her impulses get the better of her!).  And she utilizes all these redeiving channels principles in her daily life.  Example:

Me: wow miss ross! I love your dress!  
Miss ross (without eyelash): thanks!!!
Me: and your shoes!
Miss ross: thank you!

Man, you can compliment her on anything, even the small-ness of her facial pores or her fast walking and she will just automatically say "thank you!"

As such, i try to emulate her behaviorally.  Even if at times there is that little voice in my head that used to say "hindi naman!" 

Amazingly though, that voice inside my head eventually became quiet that i believed whatever compliment was given to me!!!

2.Do you receive gifts easily?

This is pretty embarrassing, but i only received a bouquet of flowers romantically (which i really loved by the way!) once in my life.  I wish that it can really be romantic, but it embarrasses me to remember what i said:

Cutefunnyguy (alang hihirit!): (holds flowers!)
Me: omgeeee, is that for your mom? 

Right now, i have to practic saying thank you.  I guess it is kind of easier right now because my peers are kind of earning more, and i don't think that when they give, they would end up not having anything to eat.

luckily for me, i think that my capacity to receive gifts improved one fateful tuesday when i went to makati.  CFG assisted with with my much needed escapade of getting back my license, treated me to lunch.  as much as it was an effort to pay for the bill or resist, i just let myself be.  and it was different, but happy. :)

3.  Do you accept help when it is offered?

this exercise becomes a challenge for me everytime i board the train and a gentleman offers his seat.  every time someone does that, i feel happy, but at the same time shy to take the seat.  i often just say thank you (and they are often just kebs), but take the seat anyway. 
4.  Do you accept a meal when it is being paid for by a friend?

yes, but with one resistance question: are you sure? or, di na.
then, if the person insists, i say thank you.  i guess the challenge is to say thank you right off the bat at the initial offer.  

i guess my receiving channels are opening up. :)  

Anti-Oink.

i am happy that even if things seem impossible and the solution seems to be buried in a puzzled maze of problems, we are still willing to make our voices heard. i guess somewhere inside, we believe that there is hope for change. or if there is none, we make our own hope. go philippines!

Happy National Hero's Day!  and Happy Birthday to one of my long-time friends, DJ!

Values Ed Continues.

I distinctly remember high school.  we had a subject called values education wherein we were forced to do journalling.

now back then, i really hated journalling.

i didn't do it.  so at the end of the quarter, i found myself forced to finish writing 30 plus pages in one night.  when i had nothing to write about.  i think i was quite issue-less at that time of my youth.  i guess i didn't even know what the word issue meant.  my writing technique then became redundant, word filled.  palabok is the word i would use to describe it.

and then life happened.  i graduated from high school.  journalling was no longer required.  issues came rolling in, one after another.  then another.  then another.  but no words were written.

and then...i attended a retreat yesterday.  and i was asked to write.  not forced to.  i had no need to answer to anyone.

and then....i was amazed to see that i was stripped of all the unessentials.  i just wrote very short passages from the heart.

i was also amazed that my very long dream list from before became short.  and i was happy!

not because i had lack of dreams.  but because i had fulfilled so many of them.
not because i needed to impress other people with a long list of achievements.  but because i chose the few, important things that really warrant my attention.

and i found myself itching to write.

so i am.  writing.  and at this point, i feel that i won't stop.

i never thought i would look for a journal to write.  i don't need an audience.  just a medium.

hence, the rebirth of the new me sucks it up. :)

Zen Writing: to borrow from Leo Babauta...will write daily.

Why You Should Write Daily

By Leo Babauta

One of the most instrumental changes in my life has been writing every single day.

For many years I was a writer who didn’t write that regularly. It was always on the back of my mind to write, but I didn’t find the time.

Then I started this blog in January 2007, and have written pretty much every day since then.

It was life-changing.

I recommend daily writing for anyone, not just writers. Here’s what I’ve found from my daily habit:

• Writing helps you reflect on your life and changes you’re making. This is incredibly valuable, as often we do things without realizing why, or what effects these things are having on us.
• Writing clarifies your thinking. Thoughts and feelings are nebulous happenings in our mind holes, but writing forces us to crystalize those thoughts and put them in a logical order.
• Writing regularly makes you better at writing. And writing is a powerful skill to be good at in our digital age.
• Writing for an audience (even if the audience is just one person) helps you to think from the perspective of the audience. That’s when the magic starts, because once you get into the reader’s mindset, you begin to understand readers and customers and colleagues and friends better. You have empathy and a wider understanding of the world.
• Writing persuasively — to convince others of your point of view — helps you to get better at persuading people to change their minds. Many people don’t want to change their minds when they feel someone is attacking their position, so they get defensive and dig into their position.
• Writing daily forces you to come up with new ideas regularly, and so that forces you to solve the very important problem of where to get ideas. What’s the answer to that problem? Ideas are everywhere! In the people you talk to, in your life experiments, in things you read online, in new ventures and magazines and films and music and novels. But when you write regularly, your eyes are open to these ideas.
• Writing regularly online helps you to build an audience who is interested in what you have to share, and how you can help them. This is good for any business, anyone who is building a career, anyone who loves to socialize with others who are interested in similar things as them.

And that’s just the start. The full benefits of this regular habit are, ironically, not something you can put into words, but something that must be experienced to be known.

How to Write Daily

There are various ways to get into the daily writing habit, but here’s what I’d recommend based on my experience:

1. Commit to writing daily. Many people try to write a few times a week, or once a week. That’s too infrequent and it won’t become a habit that way. Instead, tell yourself, “I’m going to write every single day, no exceptions”. And then actually stick to this commitment.
2. Set aside the time. Really important. You have to block off a small chunk of time for this, or it won’t happen. I suggest morning, as soon as you can, so that other things don’t get in the way. However, if you’re a night owl, late nights are fine too, as long as you’re not too tired.
3. Start small. OK, you knew I was going to say this, but it’s really important. All you have to do is start writing each day — you don’t have to write 1,000 words or anything. Just start, and how much you do doesn’t matter. Once the habit is in place, you can lengthen it, but for now just start.
4. Blog. You can write in a journal or text document just for yourself, but I highly recommend blogging. Get a free account at WordPress.com orTumblr, and just start. Why blog? Because it really helps you to write regularly, and forces you to think in different ways, when you have an audience. Even if the audience is small. It’s scary, I know, but just do it. You’ll grow comfortable with it over time, and you should never let fear stop you from doing something amazing.
5. Shut down distractions. The writer is best friends with distraction. He knows its powerful call, and must master the urge to follow it. So shut down everything that isn’t your writing tool, all tabs, all email programs and social media, and just write.

That’s all you need to get started. Over time, you’ll learn the power of interaction with your audience, and draw inspiration and lessons from the audience. But for now, just get started.

The Sea Change Program: Daily Writing

If you’d like help forming this great habit, I’d like to offer my Sea Change Program, which I’ve created to help people form habits and change their lives.

In May, we’ll be focusing on the Daily Writing Habit, and I invite you to join us. More info on the program here.

In addition, I’ve just added the Beginner’s Habit Program to Sea Change, for those who would like to learn the basic skills of habit formation. I highly recommend it if you’ve had trouble forming habits.

have faith. let go.

the feast lessons last sunday really spoke to my heart, so i want to preserve them here:

Trustful Lessons this Sunday:

1. We have four reasons why we do "Bahala Na!!!"
a. Sloth (Laziness)
b. Sloppy (we tend to do decisions so quickly without consulting)
c. Sacrifice
d. Surrender

2. Sacrifice and surrender are the great and positive reasons of doing "Bahala Na!!!"

3. Always remember that there are some things in your life that is never designed by God to be under your control.

4. Nothing is out of control if God is under control of everything.

5. Behind the curtain, God is going everything.

6. There are two kinds of Miracles: Invisible and Visible.

7. The greatest miracle that you receive is your life.

8. Walk in Faith, not by sight.

9. Before your problem existed, God has already prepared a solution to that problem.

10. God is an advance planner.

11. There are two types of surrender: Ask in Trust and Act in Trust

12. Always believe the Law of Reciprocity. What you give, it bounces back to you.

13. God will fight your battles for you.

14. No one can curse you. The only one who can curse you is you.

15. When people curses you, God turns that curse into a blessing.

16. Nothing remains small in God's Big Hands.

what would i tell myself if i could go back? -mathew hussey

1) Take risks

Try new things. We’re always going to be able to talk about the things we did, but never able to talk about the things we didn’t do.

We tend to carry on in school the way we started. It’s easy for an identity to be created by the way that other people see us. Don’t let yourself get pigeon-holed.

2) Be careful who you’re trying to impress

There are people right now (whether consciously or unconsciously) you’re trying to impress.

Be very careful about this.

If you could see where these people were going to be in ten years time, I guarantee you would re-evaluate who you’re trying to impress.

3) Trying to get invited to the party doesn’t get you invited to the party

One of my big insecurities in school was wondering whether or not I’d be invited to parties.

Being invited to parties is the byproduct of being the type of person that other people want to spend time with.

Focus on being someone that other people love spending time with.

4) Ignore people’s first reactions

When we do something new, we fear people are going to look at us strangely.

People who get acceptance are the ones who don’t need it.

If there’s something you want to do, do it regardless of what others might think. When you ignore their reactions, you’ll get over the initial period of discomfort and to a point where they accept how you now are.

5) School can suck

A lot of school is doing things you don’t want to do.

Studying things you don’t want to study, hanging around people you don’t want to hang around, listening to teachers you don’t want to be around…

And a myth in life is that that all changes; that when you begin doing what you love, you’ll be able to stop doing things you don’t love.

Sadly, it doesn’t quite work like that.

I’ve found in my life that even though I do the thing I love more than anything else in the world, there are plenty of things I still have to do that aren’t things I love.

The art is finding a way to enjoy whatever it is you’re doing.

When you’re doing the things you don’t want to do, can you figure out new ways of enjoying doing those things?

If you can, you’re going to be happy for the rest of your life.

6) See everything as a stepping stone

Many people resent jobs they do because they don’t feel they’re getting them closer to where they want to be.

The most successful people I’ve met have done a number of different jobs that had nothing to do with where they ended up.

But rather than viewing these things as a waste of time, they saw everything as a stepping stone.

Don’t fret that right now you’re going into something that isn’t exactly where you want to be.

The wrong job before the job you’re passionate about can have been the right job at the time. The wrong job can be a blessing when it teaches you more about what you want and where you want to go.

7) Enjoy being young, but think like an adult

When you’re a teenager, people are trying to lay down all sorts of rules around you.

But an adult treating you like a kid doesn’t mean you have to rebel like a kid.

You can still make the smart choice, by doing what’s best for you.

Don’t rebel just because you want to get back at someone.

You need to go out and mess up. Just stay within the realm of making mistakes that you can recover from. Make mistakes that aren’t going to kill you or stop you from building the future you want to have.

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how about me?  will leave the responses to that in a next blog.  maybe. :)